Monthly Archives: June 2010

A Girl Worth Fighting For

I’ve never been the pretty one. I’ve never been the funny one. I’ve never been the rich one. Sometimes I was the smart one. I was always the one you didn’t even notice was there until someone else asked, “who’s that weird girl?” I was never the one who was missed.

But I was definitely never the one you fought over or for. Second choice and a settlement. I wasn’t the one.

No one ever says, “Hey, I know the perfect guy for you!” When I show interest in someone, it’s always “Oh, they’re not your type.”

What does it take to be “the one?” The one that guys make the first move on. The one that the guy gives his phone number to. The one guys will ask questions about because they actually want to know more, not because your friend is sooo hot! The one who, when confused about what she wants in life or in a relationship, is given a bunch of reasons why she shouldn’t do something that is rash even though it seems completely right at the time.

It seems every serious relationship of mine ended because I tested the guy to see how they’d react and they took it much farther than I ever planned. Not that I ever “tested” to the extreme, but when I questioned our relationship, I wasn’t met with protests of love and adoration and reasons why we should stay together. I was told, “OK. If that’s how you want it.” Which means that I wasn’t too precious not to be lost. I was the rock you didn’t even notice finally fell out of that crack in the bottom of your shoe.

My self-esteem and confidence have been trashed so many times that I have a hard time describing my good qualities on dating website profiles. If I was blind to so much of what was going wrong in my marriage that everyone else saw, how can I know that I’m seeing everything now?

I was cute. Was. Now I’m 40+ pounds over weight. I forget what I look like now until I see a recent photo. In my head, I’m still as skinny as I was in high school – even pre-baby and pre-divorce. I look for guys who are slim yet I never date them because I’m such a hypocrite. I’m fat, but I won’t date fat men. I’m not at a healthy weight, but I don’t want someone else who isn’t healthy either. And if I hate the way I look when I’m fat, how can someone who’s healthy like what they see when they look at me?

And yet I’ll go home today and do nothing about my weight. I’ll overeat at dinner, watch TV and about an hour before I go to bed I’ll grab something to munch on.

Yup, definitely something worth fighting for.

The Age of Not Believing

Em is 6. Granted a very smart 6, but still 6. She may socialize with kids 2+ years older than her and I love that about it, but I still want her to be my baby.

That baby was almost lost last night.

I went into Em’s room last night as she was getting ready for bed. Randomly (I still haven’t figured out what prompted the conversation) she told me that fairies aren’t real. I am very mad at myself for not telling her that she needed to clap RIGHTNOW to keep alive whatever fairy she just killed by saying that. Disney-mom fail. I put on a pouty face, like I was just hearing this news for the first time. I asked her what about TinkerBell was if fairies aren’t real. She said that the one that flies over Disneyland is a machine and that the one in the movies is an actress wearing makeup and costumes. She also said that Dumbo wasn’t real, just actors in a costume like the ones at the Lion King musical we saw.

I asked about the Tooth Fairy and it dawned on her that perhaps not all fairies were real. She surmised that maybe the Tooth Fairy was like Santa Claus (no clue what that mean, but I went with it). I asked her if that meant we should leave out cookies and milk when she loses a tooth; all I got was a “Mo-oom!” look. “Since fairies aren’t real, that means they can’t fly, so the Tooth Fairy can’t come down the chimney.” Deciding that it was best not to question that logic, I asked how she gets in the room to exchange tooth for coins. I almost thought I stumped her! No such luck.

“The Tooth Fairy is a ghost.”

Oh boy.

Wait, if the Tooth Fairy is a ghost, then how does she bring in the coin through the window and take the tooth out? Can ghosts hold anything?

Em said that when the Tooth Fairy holds the coin or tooth, then those things don’t fall and can go through windows, too. But I could see that she wasn’t quite sure she liked the idea of the Tooth Fairy being a ghost.

“The Tooth Fairy is an angel!”

Now that I could accept. So the Tooth Fairy is an angel. But TinkerBell’s not real, right? So I asked Em if the Binky Fairy wasn’t real either.

Blank stare.

I explained about the Binky Fairy (trade “tooth” for “binky/pacifier” that a child has outgrown but reluctant to give up). Em got very quiet and I swear I could see the little gears in her brain working hard to come up with an explanation.

“Ok. So the Tooth Fairy and the Binky Fairy are real fairies.”

So I asked her again about TinkerBell.

“I’m not sure. Maybe.”

Whew. I can deal with “I’m not sure” a lot easier than I can with losing my “baby” so fast. Hopefully the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are welcome guests for a few more years.

Welcome to the Jungle

Spent some quality time with Mom on Saturday driving around Orange County, looking at parks. Mobile home parks. Cuz that’s what’s in my price-range (barely: there’s a problem when a single mom can’t get financing for anything over $40,000 yet doesn’t qualify as low-income for apartments). We’ve decided that before we look at homes, we need to look at the neighborhood; who cares if there’s a 1990 or newer 3 bedroom home for $39,900 if there’s a lot of blue dots living across the street.

So I’d heard of a place from one real estate agent that we decided to check out. Nice enough park, but the low-end of the pricing started over $120,000. Anaheim Hills will do that to you. We were lucky to meet a real estate agent there who had a flyer with different financing companies listed; hallelujah! As we were driving around the park, we found a few homes that were empty and only had a phone number on them. The agent on the other line of that phone number pointed us to another park in Anaheim on the other side of the 55.

We found SO MANY homes in this one park! Many with flyers (thank you, agents, for keeping your flyer boxes stocked up!), but also many without flyers, which meant I got to feel like a creeper taking pictures of the flyer that is stuck inside the flyer box, or better yet, taking pictures through the windows of the homes (only if they were unoccupied; I’m not THAT crazy).

We’ve learned so far that the newer the home, the easier it is to finance; if the home is old now and it’s hard to finance, imagine how hard it’ll be to sell in 7-10 years because the next buyer can’t get the financing! And we’ve learned that you definitely can’t judge a book by its cover; pretty much all manufactured homes look the same from the outside. The skirting might be a little different, (and we check it to make sure it’s not falling apart), but the outside just doesn’t really tell you much about the inside. And the inside can be misleading!

One house I fell in love with when we first started looking around is too old. You’d never know it by looking at it; the previous owner did a fabulous job of remodling and keeping it in good shape. But 40-year-old wiring is just that. The kitchen might have a ton of cabinets and the windows actually have drapes and the master bath might have a vanity, but do I really want to have to replace wiring and such all the time? Plus, again, the financing would be hard to secure.

It just seems so hard to find what I’m looking for. I’ve got my eyes out everywhere, and I’ve been trolling a bunch of different realty sites and manufactured home sites, but I can’t seem to find anything that has just what I’m looking for:

  • Newer (hopefully only as old or younger than me)
  • LOTS of kitchen cabinets (have a TON of PC stuff that needs to come out of storage)
  • At least 2 bedrooms, but also needs an office, so either a 3 bedroom or a 2 bedroom with an enclosed porch/office thing.
  • 2 bathrooms
  • A porch. Not a tiny landing that a folding chair barely fits on. I need to be able to set my grocery bags on the porch while I fish my house keys out of my purse and not have my fruits and vegetables go rolling down the stairs into the street.
  • A carport covering that doesn’t look like it’s gonna get smushed by my mom’s truck (a lot of them just have really low overhangs for the parking)
  • Decent floors that don’t feel like a trailer; ya know how they just “give” differently than a regular house? Some feel very temporary.
  • A nice neighborhood where my neighbors aren’t scary and my commute to my daughter’s school is less than 15 minutes away (would really prefer less than 10 minutes away).
  • Central air and heating
  • Less than 50% of the outside portion of my rented space to be grass/plants; really, I can’t keep agriculturally-related things alive. That and Em would just love to have a ton of chalk-drawing space!
  • Low-ish space rent. There’s a really nice neighborhood not far from my house…with +$1400/month space rent! And that doesn’t include anything! I really need my total expenses on the house (space rent, mortgage payment/utilities) to be less than $1500. It’s do-able, just hard to find.

So, welcome to the jungle. I’m sure everyone’s house-hunting journeys are just as hard, but this just seems impossible! And I haven’t even asked for a loan yet!

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