Monthly Archives: July 2011

What You’ll Never Hear

You’ll never hear me say “Kiss me.” I will never tell you to do anything or ask for something you don’t want to give me of your own free will.

You’ll never hear me tell your friends that I like you, maybe even love you. There’s no point in them knowing if you yourself can’t see it.

You’ll never hear my heart beat faster when I read a note from you, or when you break your promise to me.

You’ll never hear me cry when you pass me by, unknowing of my true feelings for you.

You’ll never hear about how excited I was to know that you were excited to see me, that you enjoyed spending time with me.

You’ll never hear the noise my heart makes when you laugh at my witty comments or when you include me in a conversation I really have no business being in.

You’ll never hear me call your name in the night; your obliviousness to my plight wouldn’t even allow your brain to register that I uttered a sound.

You’ll never hear the sounds of my churning stomach when I think that you just might be thinking of me, when I realize that you did think of me for one bright moment.

You’ll never hear me complain about you to my girlfriends, for in my eyes you are infallible.

Infallible except that you seem to be completely unaware that I can’t stand to be away from you.

But you’ll never hear me say that.

Because I’m chicken shit.

If I Look Confused

Every summer I take a day off. It always happens the day after “Em” leaves with “Jake” for her visitation with him. I never know how I’m gonna feel the day after she leaves, so I play it safe and remove myself from normal life just in case I’m not a pleasant person to be around. Sometimes I’m fine, sometimes I’m a wreck. This time, I’m walking around with a frozen look of confusion.

Jake planned to attend Em’s dance recital Sunday afternoon and then leave immediately after to start their 18 hour drive to his house. While I was in worship he sent me a text asking if we could talk alone before he left with Em. Uh oh.

We talked during intermission at the recital. He commented on my weight loss (woohoo!) and told me that he’s working on his weight since we was just diagnosed as having…

He couldn’t get the word right. It took a few tries before I finally just made a guess based on the number of syllables. Diverticulitis? Yup, that’s the one. Something about the way he couldn’t even get the right sounds to come out makes me doubt this. Just another drama attempt to make me care. Nice.

Then the real talk started. He’s gonna have a little boy soon. The woman is in her third trimester and he didn’t want to say anything to Em until it was closer. He and the woman were gonna live in her grandparents’ house, but that fell through when her brother was caught spending the grandparents’ Social Security checks at the nearest casino. So Jake is still living with his folks. I noticed that there was no ring on his finger and he didn’t mention impending nuptials, so as far as I can tell it’s nothing more than he’s having another kid.

Although, it does sort of explain why he’s stayed with his current employer for such a long time. Other than the Marine Corps, he’s not had a job for more than a few months at a time for the last 7 years.

And here is where my confusion set in:

WHY is he just now deciding that he needs to man up and provide for his kid(s)? He’s had a PHENOMENAL kid for 7 years and it takes an illegitimate kid (not judging, just a truthful statement) to kick his ass into gear?

If this upcoming child is enough to make Jake focus on “making good,” will he try to “start over” with junior and leave Em in his wake?

Or will we truly see a change in him for the better?

So confused. And trying not to focus on the “what-ifs” my mind is coming up with at record speed.

Thoughts – July 10, 2011

John 12:20-28

Why are we so afraid to ask questions?

Curiosity has a bad rap. If not for curiosity, we would learn nothing. If not for curiosity, our lives would be redundant and boring.

So why are we so cautious when it comes to the important questions? Have our questions been snickered at and gone unanswered too many times? Have we been shamed into repressing our questions, and eventually repressing our curiosity? Have we tuned our curiosity to only those things which are “approved” by society to be interested in?

When someone approaches you and asks about your faith, are you forthcoming? Do you satisfy their curiosity, or do you cautiously answer in an attempt to discourage the asker, the seeker from asking again? Are you afraid of what the person will think? Are you afraid of whom they’ll tell?

If curiosity killed the cat, fear killed the cat who saw what curiosity did to the first.