Monthly Archives: April 2012

So NOT Me

I was never a popular child or youth. Well, not in the common use of the word “popular.” I didn’t have girls wishing to be me or be my friend, I didn’t have guys competing over me or lining up to take me out on dates. I was “well known,” but I didn’t know that until after high school. To this day I am still surprised when someone recognizes me from school and I draw a big blank, swearing in my head that I’ve never met that person before. But that’s not the point.

My point is, I wasn’t popular and I knew it. I never ran for any student office, though I was voted into some positions (class secretary because I didn’t mind writing and you could actually read my notes). I never had a huge gaggle of friends who rushed to me during recess or break. And I didn’t care. I was am an introvert. Not shy necessarily. I’m just not a big “people person.” Big groups of people wear me out faster than two back-to-back Zumba classes.

“Em” is an extrovert. She is energized by attention (though she doesn’t always seek it, and can sometimes feel embarrassed by it like her mom does) and big groups of people. In the past 2 years of school she’s had a couple boy-friends, boys who like to give her flowers or little gifts. We’ve had the discussion about relationships and how any physical relationship at her age is completely inappropriate, and she’s embarrassed every time a boy gives her something, but she doesn’t reciprocate either the boys’ feelings or gift-giving.

Em always has a lot of friends of every gender and her upbringing at home, with my parents and in our church has given her a sense of compassion/who-cares when it comes to kids being different. Em knows that I think it’s ok to bend the gender rules (as evidenced by her choosing to be Darth Vader for Halloween last year) and so it came as no surprise to me that she has a really good friend at school who prefers Barbie dolls over monster trucks. She thinks he’s just fun regardless and doesn’t think it’s a big deal, or a “deal” at all.

Em’s personality and charm seem to keep her surrounded by many different types of people, kids and grown-ups alike. So, really, it shouldn’t have come as any surprise to me that today she was elected “Classroom President” in her 2nd grade class.

Every child had their name on the ballot, they made campaign “buttons” for themselves last week and they all voted today. There are 32 children in that classroom. The teacher instructed them to vote for anyone they wanted, even themselves.

Em voted for her friend “Laura.”

23 other children in her classroom voted for Em.

Had it been me that had been elected Classroom President, I know that my cheeks would have been as red as cabernet sauvignon and I likely would have turned it down.

But Em? Em’s beaming!

And while the duties of Classroom President are very light (filling in for the student of the day when absent or just away from the room at the moment), it’s a big, BIG moment for Em.

And I’m left wondering…

Am I going to be up late nights helping Em finish campaign posters in high school? Do I need to buy myself a shotgun to keep the boys away?

Are there any Disciples convents in the United States?

Em’s extroverted life is going to end up shoving ME out of my comfortable, introverted bubble.

Oh goodness.

P.S. WAY TO GO, EM!! WHILE I CAN’T IMAGINE BEING IN YOUR SHOES FOR EVEN A SECOND, I’M SO, SO VERY PROUD OF YOU!

Only in my dreams

And that right there is why I don’t let myself get hyped up about men.

I had a dream last night. A dream induced by a several-nights-in-a-row Twilight reading session. (Shush, you. I like the story line) A dream where I was with two vampires vying for my attention. In my dream, I was a vampire and I knew who my “Jacob” was (though now I can’t recall), but all through my dream I couldn’t tell who my “Edward” was. Not that it mattered. But it did leave me very frustrated when I woke up. My dreams have always been very vivid and often the emotions I feel in them carry on for a few hours into reality.

As I am a subscriber to the notion that your dreams are your mind’s way of solving problems you can’t do consciously, I’m not at all surprised I had this dream. Most girls would love to be gorgeous, strong, unbreakable and have the attention of two men. Hell, I’d settle for the attention of one!!

More often than not, I wake up during my dreams and they are burned into my brain for a day or so, allowing me to ponder the reason behind them. But sometimes I wish I could leave my dreams in my bed.

See, while this dream was enjoyable at the time, I’m now depressed. Because, seeing as I don’t have the attention of any man, I’m left with the conclusion that my brain is trying to tell me something. Something I’ve been unwilling to recognize or even admit to myself or others.

I’m lonely.

I haven’t had a live-in companion for 7 years. I haven’t had a date in 2 years. I haven’t had a hit on my dating profiles in 1 year. There’s not one person in my life that I can even imagine calling my own.

Well, that’s not entirely true. There is one. But I’d be willing to bet my iPhone that he has never thought about me that way. Or dreamed about me. And he has probably never seen this blog, so it’s likely he won’t ever know/guess/wonder that I’m writing about him. As I think about it now, it’s possible that my “Edward” last night was this man.

Which depresses me even more.

Sorry, Cinderella. I just don’t believe that “a dream is a wish your heart makes.” I can’t believe it. Because when it comes down to it, a wish isn’t something tangible. Wishing doesn’t make things happen.

It just makes me realize that if I’m wishing for something, it’s because I know deep down there’s nothing I can do to turn my dream into a reality.

I wish my dreams would stay in my dreams.

April 23, 2012

WARNING: TMI and other forms of possibly embarrassing (to you) topics and words to be mentioned here. 

If you haven’t heard about my journey to be a gestational surrogate, please go here first.

 

It’s finally time to start again! A few weeks ago I received notice that the new Egg Donor was officially cleared. The next step was to monitor my hormone levels to determine when I ovulated and then notifying my nurse when I started my period. Ovluation happened April 3rd and my period started on April 21st.

This morning I received a call from the nurse confirming that I’d started my period. I’ll resume taking pre-natal vitamins immediately, the nurse will have birth control pills (to help regulate my hormones) sent to me to start tomorrow and Lupron (to prevent ovulation) on Friday. She also told me we should have a full calendar (meaning most-likely dates for the embryo transfer, which drugs I administer on which days and dates I’ll need to go to labs or to the doctor’s office in L.A. for blood tests and ultrasounds) in the next couple of days. I’d received a “happy birthday” text for “Em” last week from “the boys” and they mentioned that they’d soon be buying tickets to be out here at the end of May, so it seems the transfer will likely happen around then. The boys are hoping to be here for both their “contribution” and the transfer! Yay!!

 

Update: 12:03 PM

I told my new manger at work about this journey. I’m usually very upfront and open with my managers, and since this surrogacy journey will have me spending some time away from the office, I felt I needed to let him know what was going on. Other than having the traditional deer-in-the-headlights look, he took it well. Woohoo!