Monthly Archives: October 2012

Thank you

I wrote this in response to my surrogate support group ladies who helped keep me calm last night, but it really applies to all of my friends and family out there.


I want to thank you all for your kind words and prayers. It’s been a very difficult day for me. I’ve been wavering between extreme sadness and guilt. I didn’t know the young man who was killed, but I know how hurt “Brad” (and the rest of the group in Detroit) is by his death.

I feel guilty because I’m so glad that Brad is so tall and is ALWAYS seated in the front seat and his freakishly long legs saved his life.

I hurt because I cannot help him grieve, I am lonely because while I know he is with the people who can help him the most, I am here alone in my sadness.

I am scared that the man that will come home next weekend will not be the man I took to the airport.

I am in pain because I love him so much that just thinking that he came so close to being seriously hurt (or worse) causes me to sob uncontrollably.

I am going to try my best to have fun tonight: a Halloween costume party in Hollywood with a bunch of gay men, some of whom I know will ooh and ahh over my ally belly.

But I ache to be with Brad right now, and so I thank you for your support and prayers.

I can’t/What if

I can’t

I can’t begin to process what my ears are hearing

I am struggling to come up with words of meaning and substance. Words that will calm and bring peace

A good friend of Brad’s died tonight. A car accident. Brad was in that car. Brad is okay. Physically. Physically Brad is okay.

But emotionally he is damaged. When he called to tell me that his friend didn’t make it out of surgery, I could tell in his voice before his words registered in my brain. Not only did Brad lose a friend tonight, he was there.

Along with feelings of sorrow and grief for a friend I’ll never meet, and the knowledge of how it feels to lose someone so suddenly, tragically, violently

are the feelings that it could have been Brad. Knowing how close he came to not being okay sends hot tears streaming down my cheeks. The panic of the what if leaves me gasping for air, disbelief at what hasn’t happened as if it did happen.

My feelings are nothing compared to what Brad and the rest of his friends are going through right now. There is nothing I can do or say to any of them to give peace, to help them sleep tonight. I cannot go to where Brad is. I cannot hold him and hug him and let him cry until he falls asleep to the inevitable nightmares.

I can only sit here and answer the phone if he calls. If he calls because I am of no use to him right now. I cannot do anything. Any grief I am feeling pales in comparison to his. Any guilt I feel is no match to what any of his friends may be feeling.

I can only sit here and answer the phone if he calls.

Miss Swann

It’s official: “the boys” are having a girl!

The very happy daddies accompanied me to my ultrasound appointment, along with my Mom and Em. The technician was very kind and didn’t seem phased one way or the other to have so many people watching the small screen.

Clear as day, we were able to see that my little stowaway was a girl and I’ve since nicknamed her “Miss Swann” as the boys have not yet decided on a name for their little princess.

It’s hard to take clear pictures of an ultrasound screen, but here’s one of the better ones my mom took.


Em was very excited to see the baby and the boys were nearly speechless. And just as we got a clear shot of Miss Swann’s head and arms, she moved and it looked like she was waving to us all!

Such an amazing experience to have the boys here to see their little girl. I can only hope they get to feel her kicking before they leave this weekend.


(Want more pics? Click here!)