Monthly Archives: June 2013

Just A Stupid Girl

I’ve gone off the deep end. I knew it was a risk, that it could jeopardize everything and prove an unwanted hunch to be correct, but I had to do it.

Back in March I’d come across a really good deal for a 5-course meal at a really nice restaurant in Los Angeles that was just too good to pass up. Brad and I were always looking for fun and new things to do in L.A., and this seemed perfect. So I made a reservation for our 1-year dating anniversary.

Which would have been today.

I have not been able to move forward without Brad. Everyday things, normal occurrences, common sounds and even ordinary smells are constant reminders of what I lost. I feel like I have to wrap my arms around my stomach to hold myself together, to keep from falling apart at a moment’s notice. Somewhere in my heart I kept thinking that things will get better between us, that we will try again. Every night I have wished for him to call me, to talk to me, to write to me – to tell me that he accepts my apology and is willing to try one more time. I also have prayed for peace and understanding, but I’ve been asking for what my heart wants. Things have improved some between us. He “liked” some of my Instagram photos and he responded to a message I sent him of nothing really important. And he didn’t seem angry anymore. But he’s only been responding to message I send him; I should not allow myself to think that things are better just because he’s responding. He hasn’t initiated any conversation of any type with me, just responding back.

I know he’s been super busy with work lately, with a major 3-day event in LA and his game launch coming soon. I can’t really expect him to be thinking about us during all of this. But I’ve been hoping. And so I did something that now, in hindsight, was really stupid, foolish and just plain dumb.

What was I thinking?!? He told me he couldn’t see us trying again because it wasn’t worth the risk of pain that he was certain would return. He told me the way our relationship came crashing down had caused him so much stress and anger and he couldn’t handle it with everything else going on. He told me that he needs to focus on his work, that he’d moved out here to follow his dream and our relationship wasn’t meshing with that.

But I had to try.

I sent him flowers on Friday with a note that I loved him and missed him, that I would be at an address – the same restaurant I’d made reservations for months ago – tonight at 7 and I hoped he would, too.

Why I actually thought he would show up – I don’t know. Maybe I’ve watched too many movies or read too many novels. But I was hoping with the big event this week now in the past he might be more relaxed and capable (and willing) to think about “us” again. I’m more embarrassed by the thought that I’d actually believed he would show up than I am by the fact that I am sitting alone in a romantic restaurant.

I’ve probably angered him more. I’ve probably crossed that line into obsessive ex-girlfriend who can’t understand the word “No.”

Well, I understand now.

Tonight was my last hope. The silly girl inside of me who prayed and wished and cried herself to sleep will be locked away forever. Because Brad is right about one thing.

It’s not worth the pain.

The Blah

The waterworks have stopped. I can sing along to my “Jar of Hearts” station on Pandora without sobbing halfway through each song. I fall asleep a little easier each night. I no longer feel I share a sisterly bond/life-path with Rachel on Friends.

But I don’t feel much beyond that. I go through each day knowing that the next day will be pretty much the same as the last. I don’t look forward to starting my day and I long for the moment I can lay my head down on my pillow and shut out the world. I’m not ready to find the joy in normal moments, but I know I will someday. Right now I’m just glad that the pain has dulled to an ache that is ever-present but not knocking me over every time I see something that reminds me of him, of us.

And though some friends have told me that I’ll get over it, that it’s just a temporary feeling, I know that I won’t be dating again. I’d pretty much given up on romantic relationships before I started dating Brad; I’d been on a few dates but didn’t meet anyone I wanted to pursue and I’d taken myself off all the dating websites. It was pure luck that I met him and felt a chemistry I hadn’t felt in a very long time. But that’s all it was – luck. In my job, it’s pretty impossible to meet people I’d want to date and raising Em doesn’t leave much wiggle room for nights out with strange guys. And, honestly, I just don’t have the energy to start again. I’m okay with that. Maybe when Em’s grown I’ll put myself out there. But for now, it’s not worth the effort and pain.

And after dating Adam and Brad, I’ve seen how hard it is on Em to lose another man in my/her life. I don’t want to put her through that again. I feel guilty for her witnessing the tears I’ve been wiping away and the hurt I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to hide until she’s asleep. I need to focus my energy on her; she has a lot going on and she needs more of my attention.

Apparently My Unconscious Isn’t Done

I’m getting better every day. It’s getting easier every day.

I haven’t broken out in random sobs for 3 days. When a coworker asked if Brad and I were back together yet, my eyes didn’t tear up when I replied, “no.”

The anger and hurt have turned to a dull ache in my stomach, an apathetic numbness that carries me through the day.

The nights are the hardest, feeling empty and alone because I can no longer text him “I love you, good night” and it takes me longer to fall asleep.

But in the middle of sleep my brain decides to shove sickly-sweet dreams and violent nightmares my direction. Dreams and nightmares that are so vivid, so convincing, so real that when I wake from them at oh-dark-thirty in the morning, it takes me about ten to fifteen minutes to finally realize that those horrible things didn’t happen or that we’re not still/back together. Every night this week I’ve woken in a cold sweat just hours after I closed my eyes.

I might be able to fake my way through the day and ever-so-slightly come to grips with the fact that this relationship is over, but it seems I’m not out of the woods yet.

A part of me thinks that this intense heartache is silly: I didn’t go through any of this with Jake, to whom I was married for 3 years, and Brad and I were only together for 10 months. But I also cannot deny what I am feeling. This relationship was so full of love and emotion and amazing experiences – and I will not discount that. My heart is truly broken and I will not feel shame for this feeling after such a seemingly short romance. I feel what I feel, that’s all there is to it.

But if my days are still permeated by this pain, is it too much to ask that my brain allow me to sleep and try to regain just a bit more energy to get me through the day? To let me sleep a whole night without constant reminders of what I lost?