A Girl Worth Fighting For

I’ve never been the pretty one. I’ve never been the funny one. I’ve never been the rich one. Sometimes I was the smart one. I was always the one you didn’t even notice was there until someone else asked, “who’s that weird girl?” I was never the one who was missed.

But I was definitely never the one you fought over or for. Second choice and a settlement. I wasn’t the one.

No one ever says, “Hey, I know the perfect guy for you!” When I show interest in someone, it’s always “Oh, they’re not your type.”

What does it take to be “the one?” The one that guys make the first move on. The one that the guy gives his phone number to. The one guys will ask questions about because they actually want to know more, not because your friend is sooo hot! The one who, when confused about what she wants in life or in a relationship, is given a bunch of reasons why she shouldn’t do something that is rash even though it seems completely right at the time.

It seems every serious relationship of mine ended because I tested the guy to see how they’d react and they took it much farther than I ever planned. Not that I ever “tested” to the extreme, but when I questioned our relationship, I wasn’t met with protests of love and adoration and reasons why we should stay together. I was told, “OK. If that’s how you want it.” Which means that I wasn’t too precious not to be lost. I was the rock you didn’t even notice finally fell out of that crack in the bottom of your shoe.

My self-esteem and confidence have been trashed so many times that I have a hard time describing my good qualities on dating website profiles. If I was blind to so much of what was going wrong in my marriage that everyone else saw, how can I know that I’m seeing everything now?

I was cute. Was. Now I’m 40+ pounds over weight. I forget what I look like now until I see a recent photo. In my head, I’m still as skinny as I was in high school – even pre-baby and pre-divorce. I look for guys who are slim yet I never date them because I’m such a hypocrite. I’m fat, but I won’t date fat men. I’m not at a healthy weight, but I don’t want someone else who isn’t healthy either. And if I hate the way I look when I’m fat, how can someone who’s healthy like what they see when they look at me?

And yet I’ll go home today and do nothing about my weight. I’ll overeat at dinner, watch TV and about an hour before I go to bed I’ll grab something to munch on.

Yup, definitely something worth fighting for.

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