Category Archives: Emotions

The Little Lie

I do my best to remain truthful in all aspects of my life, including avoiding “white lies.” My non-essential memory bank tends to resemble room temperature Swiss cheese: little holes where things can just slip through and the rest is kinda gummy that holds on tightly to things that land on it. Phone numbers for elementary-school friends are in the gummy section, lies easily fall through the holes. Aside from the generic “Okay” response to the person in the elevator that asks how I’m doing, I try to remain honest.

But there’s this little lie I’ve been telling people I don’t know well, mostly people in my office building. I’ve been telling this little lie for a few months and I’ve told it twice today.

Twice today two people who don’t know each other told me at different times of the day that my pants are looking like they’re going to fall off. I replied, as I do anytime someone says something like that, with, “Oh, thank you,” kinda blushed a little and tried to avoid their eyes… because I knew what they were going to say next and I knew I was going to tell them a lie.

“How are you losing weight?” or “What’s your secret?”

Because people in my office don’t need to know the intimate details of my mind or emotions, because people in my office don’t know anything about me aside from my typing speed, because I know my voice will catch and my eyes will start to water, because I know the truth hurts me more than the lie hurts them… I lie.

“Oh, just paying closer attention to what I eat.”

Because people in my office don’t need to know that break-up depression is affecting my appetite. Because people in my office don’t need to know that I’ll be hungry, start to cook something, and then remember how he liked it or how he’d put red pepper flakes all over it or that he didn’t like it, and suddenly my heart is in my throat making it hard to swallow, my stomach is churning and threatening nausea, my mind is rapidly running down guilt-trip lane and I can’t think about food anymore.

Because people in my office don’t need to know that break-up depression is the most effective diet I’ve been on in years.

Because people in my office don’t need to know this, I tell a little lie.

Lazy or Efficient?

I hate shopping. I’ve said it before and anyone who’s gone shopping with me knows it all too well.

So now that Em is changing schools and moving up to the upper-grader world, I had a TON of shopping to do to prepare her for G.A.T.E. in the 4th grade: school uniforms and classroom/school supplies. As soon as I knew Em was accepted into G.A.T.E., I did some research and found that Walmart has a section on their website that will tell you what colors your school has deemed appropriate to wear. So with the exception of a couple items (which I found at Target’s website), I had all of Em’s school uniforms for the next year ordered; they’ve been in her room for weeks, waiting for Em to return from her dad’s house.

Earlier this week I got a call from her new school asking me to come by and pick up her registration paperwork. Included in the packet was a list of things she needs on the first day of school and things the teacher needs for the classroom. Knowing that Em returns today and school starts this coming Wednesday, and knowing our combined schedules, shopping for – and FINDING – everything we needed was going to be a challenge if not a stressful experience for me. Remember, I hate shopping.

So, I went to my beloved Amazon. I don’t know why I delayed for so long enrolling in Amazon Prime, but it was one of the best decisions I made this year. Because when you get a school supply list one week before school starts and you HATE shopping like I do, Amazon Prime quickly becomes your best friend.

  • Small Post-it Notes
  • Red pens
  • 2″ binder
  • Highlighters
  • Stapler
  • Blue Pens
  • Pencil sharpener with lid
  • Binder dividers
  • Colored Pencils
  • Scientific calculator
  • Two-pocket hole-punched folders
  • Scissors
  • 1″ binder
  • Pencils
  • Markers
  • Lined paper
  • Black pens
  • Disinfecting wipes
  • Kleenex
  • Erasers
  • Spiral-bound notebooks
  • Printer paper
  • Pencil pouch (no boxes allowed – huh??)

Most of these items were eligible for Amazon Prime. I ordered all of them on Wednesday, it took me all of 15 minutes while I watched a Doctor Who episode. And all but 2 items will be on my doorstep before school starts Wednesday morning.

Call me lazy, but I like to think of myself as efficient. I know what stresses me out and I know how unhealthy that is for Em and me.

I Don’t Know Where To Be

I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I want to move on but I don’t. I want to be able to get through a day without hearing something or seeing something that reminds me of him, but I can’t. I’m not ready to completely forget, to let go. I wish I had a friend to talk to about this but I know I’d sound like a broken record. And a part of me believes that my words would fall on deaf ears like “Enough already, he was just a boyfriend! It’s not like you’re getting divorced or he’s moving out or he died! Watch a chick-flick, have a glass of wine and MOVE ON!” Because part of me agrees with that. A part of me thinks that enough time has passed that I should be able to get through a day without thinking about him who knows how many times.

But I can’t help it. I’m absolutely miserable. Every part of me hurts, my muscles are tense and it takes me hours to fall asleep. And it’s completely pointless because my being miserable is not helping me. All it does it remind me of what I threw away with my tantrum. I miss him like crazy but that isn’t going to change anything. I’m mourning – and for what? He didn’t die, he’s perfectly healthy and happy – happy and moving on without me, and I’m miserable without him. I don’t want to move on because thinking about someone new means leaving him behind. And it’s so stupid to think that because I’m the one that threw him away. I 100% regret what I did last month and I’m miserable because it doesn’t matter how badly I feel, I’m the one that screwed things up. And it hurts so much.

And I hate hurting like this. Every day I wake up thinking I’m going to take a tiny baby step forward, I’m going to make a small attempt to move on with my life, but by the end of the day when I’m alone, deciding I should be getting ready for bed and thinking about my weekend plans, I suddenly remember that I don’t have him to say goodnight to anymore, to plan with anymore, to look forward to seeing anymore. My fake smile and my false mood come crashing down and I end up crying myself to sleep. I can’t forgive myself and I can’t move on – because this pain is all I have left of the wonderful I destroyed.

And that makes me sound like a complete nutcase.