Category Archives: Opening Lines

You Could Have At Least Stolen the Picture, Too

“hi there
hope u doin fine pls see my prifle hope u like it wud be nice to hear back from u btw u got very beautiful eyes n smile
thnx”

Every so often you come across swipers: people who steal someone’s profile and make it their own. Sometimes it’s pictures, sometimes it’s the self summary. And sometimes it takes a while to figure out the profile is stolen.

I took this gentleman up on his offer to ‘see my prifle.’

“This is absolutely my first time oh no second time lol with fiber-optic dating, but it’s either this or the “olde saloon” scene, so here goes… I want to meet a REAL girl (whatever that means). Also, I’m not hard-up for a date. I AM, however, hard-up to find Miss. Right (if she’s not already with Mr. Right?!#)! My ideal match? Well, I’m usually drawn to very femmine girls who are intelligent and good conversationalists .Things that describe me (and SHOULD describe you):
WITTY (intellect is attractive), GOOD LOOKING (conceited, I know; I’ll apologize later!), FUNNY (I love people who laugh out loud), COMMITTED (duh!), CONVERSATIONALIST (gotta have that, right?), MATURE YET SILLY, ATHLETIC (this one’s optional for you!), Wine and Opera on Saturday, Beer and Football on Sunday!, AVID CAR-SINGER, PHILOSOPHER POET SCIENTIST (is that too much to ask?)”

He almost had me, but then smushed right at the end was this gem:

“but pls dont be shy n say Hi sure u be proud of ur self u did”

So proud.

Vowels Are Important

“So do u like blk men huh????”

Bulk men? Like I can get 4 of them shrink wrapped at Costco?

Bleak men? I prefer guys with a positive outlook on life.

Balk men? If all you do is complain, I’m moving on.

Oh, black men? Race doesn’t matter to me. Conversation skills and attention to detail are more important.

Someone Woke Up Cranky

“36c?”

Micro?

“Did you just punk me?”

I thought we were comparing our psychic abilities.

“so you have micro tits? that sucks K”

Wow, no sense of humor. Oh well. Moving on.

“i’m not the one plexing up dear. i was making humor, but you didn’t like it. okay then… 36A it is good pushup bra”

You overestimate your charm and wit. Your overinflated sense of self will be forgotten in moments like an ant one steps on in the course of the day.

Funny now?

“you were making humor that shows your lack of confidence and really was lame. You couldn’t deal with when it was twisted back on you.

The ant metaphor was fucking gay. How long will it take your little ant to get around that beak of yours? That’s quite a nose dear. You are no huckleberry Bernstein so check yourself before I really lay the hammer into you.

You do not want to have a laconic battle with me Ms. “Wannabe Hero”. You will lose. My vernacular is seasoned in destroying educated naive women with a false sense of ideals. No one care about your AIDS walk either Maya Angelou.

I am Abaddon Appolyon”

And then he blocked me.