Category Archives: Sister

Posts written by my sister

I Cried…

I haven’t posted in a while. Mostly because I feel like I have nothing to say. And yet, here I am. A lot has happened since I last posted, but honestly… It takes too much effort to write about what all has happened. So here’s the Reader’s Digest version: Mom, Dad, and “Em” came to visit for a week. Great visit. Been working a lot lately, working not enough overtime and too much overtime at the same time… If that makes sense. Depression has been worse lately, but not much I can do about that. Other than that, nothing has changed.

Today at work, I was overcome by my emotions. Hearing about my best friend “Amber’s” family drama upset me enough that it put me over the edge. No, Amber, this was NOT your fault, and yes, PLEASE continue to keep me informed of what’s going on. Today was a crazy fluke, I promise! I was feeling guilty for thinking my own family problems were bad, anger that someone could treat Amber and her family so rudely, and stresssing about a million different things. While sitting at my desk, alone in my little cubicle, I broke down and I cried. I texted my sister to tell her that I finally cried in my cubicle (she’s had more crazy hormones than I have), and we talked for a while. After about 40 minutes of crying (and not working, since I couldn’t see my computer screen through my tears, let alone didn’t care about work since it was one of the reasons I was crying), I ran out of tears (but not snot – funny how that works…).

I cried in outrage. I cried in anger. I cried in fear. I cried because I feel empty inside. I don’t feel like myself anymore. For 15 1/2 weeks I have been off my depression medication, and for once I can see myself as who I am without them. I don’t like to think of them as a crutch, but I’ve seen people in my own life who have said to themselves “Wow, the drugs cured me, I’m all better” and stop taking them – and then all Hell breaks loose. But for me, I know that they aren’t a cure for the chemical imbalance that I deal with everyday. There isn’t a cure for it. I like who I am on the medication because it makes me happy and healthy. I’m not suicidal when I’m off my meds, though some people can be. I am a “worst day ever-everyday” person when I’m off my meds. There’s this constant-rain-cloud-following-me feeling; this got-dressed-in-the-dark-so-the-brown-pants-I-think-I-put-on-are-actually-black-and-I-clash-and-don’t-notice-until-I-get-to-the-office feeling; this can’t-do-anything-right feeling. The world isn’t out to get me (although, I maintain that my cats are), but I just don’t want to get out of bed, and when I do, I regret it. I. Deal. With. This. Every. Day. For four months. And I have five more to go, plus possibly more with nursing.

I half-wondered if this guy “Kevin” who sits next to me would come over and check on me because I was sniffling and breathing heavy (hard to breathe when you’re nose is stuffed from crying). But he didn’t. I also half-expected the manager who sits next to me, “Michelle”, to check up on me because I one point I accidentally let out one of those half-hiccup-half-sobs. But she didn’t. I’m glad they didn’t. Because when people see me cry, I cry harder. And how do you explain to a manager that one of the reasons you’re crying is because I’m ready to be a housewife again? That would be me talking bad about my job, although in a roundabout way. I like my job, though it is extremely repetitive, and a monkey could do it. But I miss being home. I miss seeing my husband. I come home at 8:30, and we see each other for about two hours before we go to bed. Two hours a night isn’t enough when I’m used to five or six.

Normally, when I’m done crying, I feel so much better. But then again, that’s usually because my husband is there to give me a hug. Note added after the fact: I made this sound like my husband is the reason I’m crying, and he’s not! He just happens to help me STOP crying. :) Today, I just felt like I wanted to keep crying. Twice more I’ve had to wipe tears out of my eyes and tell myself to knock it off. Two hours after I had this “melt-down” I had a team meeting. I felt like eyes were still puffy and my nose was red. Nobody said anything or looked at me weird, so it’s probably just me. But I felt so disconnected in the meeting.

That’s one of the things I told “Amber” when I was talking to her. I feel so disconnected. Not so much from the world, just in general. Sure, there’s Facebook to keep up with my family. No problem keeping up with my sister – she posts about 15 status updates a day! ;P Love ya Sister! But I’m just not interested in doing anything. Ever. All my passion is gone. I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to clean (well, I never want to clean), I don’t want to crochet, I don’t want to play video games, I don’t want to watch TV. I just want to sleep.

I’m just so tired of feeling like this.

And that’s just one of the reasons why, today, I cried…

Needing an Outlet

Things haven’t necessarily been stressful. “Crazy” is definitely a better word for how life has been lately.

Week 10 – 10 more weeks to go before we find out the gender (if I want to know).

Tomorrow night, my parents and niece arrive for a week. This will be their first visit to Minnesota to visit us since we’ve been here. It has officially been one year. Actually, on Wednesday, it will be 13 months. When my best friend, “Amber”, came out to visit, she was only here for 3.5 days, and I felt like we ran out of things to do. I’m so worried that Mom, Dad, and “Em” will get bored! But before they come out, there were some major changes that needed to take place:

  • I wanted the apartment to look it’s best – organized and tidy
  • We needed to clean house – like majorly
  • We needed somewhere for Mom & Dad to sleep

I must say, this whole ordeal was very similar to “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie.”

I decided I wanted to clean out the front storage closet and make it more “user-friendly.” We have two front closets, and I wanted to clean them both out. I looked at the first, smaller closet and tried to decide what it should really be used for. At the time, it was holding a lot of my craft supplies. Since it’s next to the front door, I decided it was time to turn it into a coat closet. This meant that I had to find a home for all of the craft supplies. The only unused space in the entire apartment was under the bed. Christopher and I decided to go through the closet and get rid of anything we didn’t want or need, and put everything else under the bed. It’s amazing what can be crammed in a closet!! Everything was cleared out and stored under the bed. Everything except my sewing machine because it’s too tall. I put our most used sweaters, sweatshirts, and jackets in the front closet, along with my jewelry armoire (there’s really nowhere else for it to go) and our vacuum. The top of the closet is full of games (board and card alike).

The next major task was to tackle the second, larger closet which is mostly used for storage, but had gotten out of hand. I asked Christopher to pull everything out and start to go through it while I worked on a Saturday. I came home to find he had gone through what he could and sorted what he couldn’t. We discarded very few items, but were able to donate a whole box of stuff to Goodwill. Then we bought some new Rubbermaid storage tubs to replace cardboard boxes so that everything stacked neatly. It took the majority of our Saturday, but we got through the mess and came out alive! The closet is now very accessible and very underwhelming – just the way I like things to be.

The third task I needed to do was steam clean the carpets. About two months ago, Frank was experiencing some tummy troubles (probably because he eats anything and everything) and kept throwing up. We cleaned it up right away, but there were still stains on the carpet. I decided I was tired of looking at them, plus the carpets needed to be cleaned for Mom & Dad anyways. So I got out my carpet steam cleaner and set to work. I don’t like doing it because it’s so much work, but I do love the results. I was able to clean the entire entryway, dining room, living room, and half-way up the hall before I had to stop and get ready for work. Tomorrow (during my “mega clean storm”) I’ll finish the hall and hit the bedroom. I just love how clean the carpets look – almost like brand-new carpet!

The fourth major task was finding a new home for our existing couch and buying a new one. We did a little shopping and selling – can’t have a new couch and an old couch in the same room when there IS no room! We had a couch, two ottomans (we like to lounge with our feet up!) and two stand alone chairs. Everything went up on Craigslist and it took quite a while, but we sold all but one ottoman! We bought a new couch and a cover for the remaining ottoman. This couch turns into a bed, so that’ll be perfect for either Mom & Dad or Christopher & me. The new couch is very comfy and has plenty of sitting room for everyone. Because the new couch is about 8 inches longer than our old couch, we had to shift some furniture. Shifting furniture squished some stuff and made the room anti-symmetric. If you know Christopher or I at all, then you know our love for symmetry borders on OCD! Because the room was now anti-symmetric, we had to fix it by removing old furniture and adding new furniture. It looks great now, like a real living room! I was worried for a bit because a friend of mine told me “You have a lot of ‘stuff'” but I didn’t ask her what she meant.

After this, I decided I wanted to paint the “nursery”. The “nursery” is really just a nook in the bedroom that is blocked off by a curtain and houses the crib, changing table/dresser, and Baby’s hamper. Since we’ve been living at our apartment complex for a year, we received a coupon for a carpet cleaning or a wall painted – free of charge. We chose carpet cleaning originally because it’s a lot of work and we didn’t need a wall painted at the time. I’ve since changed my mind, and the complex office was willing to work with me and my terrible demands. :) They efficiently exchanged the carpet cleaning coupon for a painted wall coupon and I chose my color: a dark grey. The painter came (two days in a row – first coat one day, second coat the second day) and did a fantastic job painting the entire nook, not just one wall.

All of this was done over the span of four-ish weeks, so we didn’t do all of this in one week/weekend. But it has still been very busy. Between working as much overtime as possible right now and planning for my family’s visit, I feel like I want to sleep for 36 hours straight.

When my parents are here, I have some things planned:

  • Wednesday 8/1: Twins vs White Sox game
  • Visit the Mall of America
  • Drive around and acquaint my family with the area
  • Go for a walk around Shady Oak Lake
  • Visit a lake or two (Harriet, most likely)
  • Visit Minnetonka Falls
  • Visit the science museum in St. Paul
  • Monday 8/6: Doctor’s appt with my baby doctor, where Mom will/should be able to hear the heartbeat (!!!!!!!)

Unfortunately, Christopher has to work everyday except for Monday 8/6, so he will only be able to join us after work. He does have a volleyball game on Thursday night at Parker’s Lake (which I’ve yet to visit since I work when he plays) so we might go watch and cheer him on.

Can you tell I’m super excited for my family visiting? I only wish my sister could come, too. But as she is pregnant as well, she can only take so much time off work before a.) the boss gets angry, and b.) she runs out of paid time off – since she’ll have to use that when she delivers (three days after I deliver!)

First Doctor’s Appointment – Week 8

**WARNING: this post goes into more detail than it probably should during a blood draw……**

 Yesterday was my first doctor’s appointment, and let me tell ya: it was a little crazy! I forgot to fill out my paperwork online, but arrived 15 minutes early, so that wasn’t a problem at all. My husband went with me to see the baby and to support me.

When we were called back, the ultrasound technician gave us a quick run-down of what would happen. She asked if I had a full bladder for the ultrasound and the urine test. I told her that I wasn’t advised that I needed to have a full bladder. I wasn’t upset, but for a first time mother, I wasn’t happy about that little bit of information being left out. She said that she’d have to see how the ultrasound came out without a full bladder, but it could complicate things. The technician used WARM goo (I dunno what they call it) instead of cold, it was amazing! She took one look at the screen and said, “Oh yeah, there’s not going to be any problem without a full bladder.” I looked up at the big-screen TV on the wall in front of us and was stunned. There was the baby! I saw it clear as day, could even see the little teeny tiny arms!! I’ve only ever seen an ultrasound on TV or in the movies, so it was really cool for me! The technician did a lot of screenshots for their files, and snapped two for us. They aren’t as clear as what we first saw, but I could see the baby’s steady heartbeat (167!) the whole time. I didn’t get to hear it, but that’s ok. The technician (and physician’s assistant later on) told us that the baby’s due date is right on track: February 17th. The baby is 8 weeks and 3 days old. How exciting! Even though it’s the size of a raspberry, there is so much detail in the little fetus.

After the ultrasound and urine test, I met with another gal “Jessi” who was really nice. She was about my age, and answered a lot of my questions. She did the medical background questions for my husand and me. She was very personable, and not at all ironic. Jessi genuinely loves her job and everyone she meets. (As it turns out, cupcakes came up in the conversation and I gave her a business card, and she was almost ecstatic about that!) We met with Jessi for probably a good 20-30 minutes, and she was very thorough. She was able to answer 95% percent of my questions, and said that I would aboslutely love my doctor, “Dr. J”. She told me that Dr. J has been working with the office and the hospital we’ll be delivering at for 25 years, started in 1987! (That’s the year I was born, by the way…) But Jessi also said that Dr. J isn’t a crotchety old lady, but instead a very vibrant, youthful woman who loves her job.

After our conversation and medical history documentation, Jessi took us to a medical room to draw blood. She took one look at my veins and said “I’m going to go get “Annie” who is the needle rockstar around here, you’ll be more comfortable with her!” Annie came in with a great big smile and said she was told that I would prefer a pro. I tried to explain that I don’t faint at the sight of blood or anything, I just absolutely HATE needles. Annie understood, and took about 5 minutes trying to decide which arm to use. She said my veins were tiny, thin, and “rolled around” a lot. She was very honest when she said it might take a couple of tries to stick me right. I told her that’s fine, just do it! She stuck me once, and it didn’t work. The stick is the part that is the worst for me. She said she thought she could get the needle in if she worked it a bit and asked me if she should do that or stick me again. I told her to try since she was already in there. She did so, and that didn’t hurt. Mostly just a weird pressure. She couldn’t get it. Said the vein kept “rolling around” and that it wasn’t my fault. Christopher laughed and said “Yes it is, she doesn’t drink enough water!” Annie said that yes, if I drink a lot of water, milk, or juice (basically anything non-caffenated) 3 hours before my appointment, I’ll save myself all this pain next time. She decided to pull the needle out and stick me again in a different vein, but before she could do that, Jessi walked in to see if Annie was done. Jessi took one look at me and could tell it didn’t work. I saw myself in a mirror: I was beet read and apparently crying. Annie told Jessi what was going on, and that she was going to try again. Jessi tries to reassure me, and distracted me (quite well, I might add) with discussion of my cupcakes. I definitely felt the stick when Annie tried again, probably because by now my arm was so sensitive. Jessi and Annie both cheered and said it worked this time. Jessi and I continued to chit chat about cupcakes, and in no time, Annie had four vials of blood, and my blood draw was done.

By this point, you’ve probably already asked yourself “How has she never done this before? Doesn’t she donate blood like a decent human being?” And the answer to that is: I was told by the Red Cross that I am too anemic to donate blood. I tried once in high school at a fundraiser, but was turned away. Honestly, I haven’t tried since because I am terrified of pain and of needles.

After the blood draw, the physician’s assistant came in and sat down with us for about 2 minutes to pretty much repeat everything the ultrasound technician had told us. She asked if we had any questions, and we didn’t, so she concluded the entire appointment and walked us out.

 

After the appointment, I snapped a picture of the ultrasound (same picture as above) and sent it to my sister, mom, mother-in-law, brother-in-law, best friend “Amber” and very good friend “Brenda”. Everyone was super excited. My mother-in-law more than everyone else. She messaged me back saying she was crying and shaking because she was so excited. That kind of made my day. The following conversation was between my brother-in-law “Al” and me:

Me: (Sent picture) Good morning brother!!  — Or should I say “uncle”? :)

Al: I think I see an Allbee chuli, must be another Allbee boy 😉

Me: Haha, 12 more weeks before we know if it’s a girl or a boy!

Al: If it’s an Allbee, it’s a boy

Me: You already haver TWO nephews, don’t you want a niece??

Al: I already have two beautiful and amazing sister in laws, I’m good 😉 lol

Me: Yeah, but you can’t buy ruffles for us without getting strange looks from everyone. Besides, tiny pink Yankee uniforms are sooooo much cuter than tiny regular Yankee unofirms.

Al: Haha

I love having a brother, considering I’ve never had one. And the one thing I know is that no matter what my family or my husband’s family wants gender-wise, everyone will be happy with whatever we have. I’ve mentioned before that Christopher wants a baby boy, and I want a baby girl. My mother wants a baby “healthy”, along with my mother-in-law. My grandma-in-law has always wanted a little granddaughter, so I would love to be able to give her one, even though I’m so far away. We’ve got a few names picked out, but other than family and Amber, we’re not announcing them just yet. My sister and I, along with Amber and I, have talked about cute baby shower ideas, and “gender parties”. I’m hoping to fly home (with my doctor’s permission, of course) in January and do a baby shower/gender party with my family and close friends. Still working on that, because I want Amber there, but she lives in a different state and is already planning to be here for the birth. Still have a long ways away for that, though.

 

My next appointment is at week 12, on August 6th. My parents and niece will be in town visiting us, so Mom will go to the appointment with me. I can’t wait to see my family, I just wish so so so much that my sister could come, too.

 

Still no morning sickness, until I started to wrap this up. Not fun. But other than that, healthy appetite, no strange cravings. No backaches or headaches. Everything is going swell (no swelling either, haha!) and I’ll keep y’all posted as we go!