I try so hard not to delve into specifics about our relationship troubles here, but as I explained to Brad last night, this blog is my therapy, my outlet. It’s how I connect to my friends and family, it’s how I gain and share insight into the crazy life that is single parenthood.
Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance. In no particular order, though the way I listed them is the commonly referred-to order, are the stages of grief. Everyone spends different amounts of time in those stages, some skip right over a stage or two. But no one is wrong about how long they stay in a particular stage or which ones they go back to.
I was in denial for a very long time, it’s what contributed to this problem going on for so long. Monday was anger: anger at Brad, anger at myself, anger at the whole situation in general. Tuesday I moved into depression, certain (as I always seem to be during these moments) that this was the end. Yesterday I moved into bargaining, kind of. It wasn’t so much a “I’ll give you this if you’ll give me that” but more like pleading with Brad and with myself to dig deeper, to try to find something we can hold onto while we try to figure out if we should continue trying.
Today I moved back into anger. Anger at myself for ignoring the big items every couple needs to discuss before getting too serious. You know, the important things like how long we each want to wait before (or if we even should) moving in together, how long we each want to wait before we get married, if we want to have kids or not, where we should live. The BIG stuff. Things that we should have talked about in-depth before we got this far. Some of these things we talked about earlier on in the relationship, but I was so afraid that my absolutes would contradict Brad’s absolutes, that I refrained from saying the whole truth. And I’m so mad at myself for that!
I’m mad at Brad today, too, because I don’t feel continuing this conversation is important to him. I understand that he is busy with work, that his job requires a lot more of his time and attention right now, so I know why we’re not talking right now. But a little acknowledgement that he’s seen/read my message and will get back to me when he has time would be nice. But what I’m really angry about is that he has plans tonight that conflict with continuing our conversation. Plans that were made DURING our talk last night! I’m so fed up with being pushed to the sidelines. Of course, I told him this in my last message to him, but I’ve received no acknowledgement, no, “Hey, I’m busy, can we talk about this when we both have a lunch break?” No response.
We both speak a different language. I’ve read the Love Languages book and understand what language I speak and which language I need to hear, but I cannot figure him out. Our languages are so different, the way we cope with things is so different that we infuriate the other with our processing.
We are not compatible. Or, at least, we cannot see how we are compatible and how we need to focus on that.
My feelings are bouncing from hysteria at the thought of losing him to anger/frustration and wanting to just throw in the towel now to anger at myself for letting this go on so long when clearly it’s not working to hysteria again. I can’t focus on much else.
I feel like the decision we’ll make will be made shortly, though I do not know it’s ETA. I’m feeling so much all at once and I don’t know which emotion to trust.
What do you do when you’re not sure you can stay with the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?