NOH8 Campaign

Discrimination

It’s been a few months since I last logged onto one of the dating sites I am a member of. It was getting really depressing to see that my “best matches” were men with the same traits I divorced away from. Apathy, lack of motivation to do anything but the bare minimum, addiction to video games, lack of a social life (this is determined by the fact that ALL photos on the profile are self portraits with a cell phone camera in a mirror, which means the person doesn’t go out with friends and have any pictures of themselves doing something). Granted, my own background is what’s causing me to be matched up with these people. I’m a single mother who makes “ok” money with just a semester of college under her belt living in a zip code that isn’t the best. Basic matching algorithms match me up with people whose own lives are just like that. The algorithms don’t take into account that I don’t have cable because I want to save money, that I have more books than video games, that my two tattoos have to do with my faith journey, not a drunken night in Vegas, that I attend church regularly…

And I know that the algorithms don’t care about my church background because I am constantly matched up with people who are not religious or are very conservative OR that don’t want to date anyone who is Christian. When I pick from the religions listed, I have to pick Christian-other because that’s the closest option to DOC. I’m not Catholic, Lutheran or Baptist. Unfortunately, Christian-other encompasses ALL OTHER types of Christians, the types that make people say “Oh…” and look away when I say I’m a Christian. Other types that make a bad name for the rest of us.

I’m a liberal. I voted against Prop 8, am relieved that DADT is on its way out, am very open minded when it comes to other religions and beliefs, and yet others who say the same thing also say this on their profile:

If one of these “deal breakers” applies to you, then we may not be a very good match:

– Republican
– ‘Church-going’ or ‘practicing’ Christian
– Serial dater
– Hipster (or any other pre-fabricated label or stereotype)
– High-maintenance
– Your longest relationship was under 1 year long
– One of your hobbies involves slaughtering helpless animals for pleasure (I believe you call it “hunting”)

 

I don’t fall into any of these except that I am a church-going, practicing Christian. Apparently being a follower of one of those most peaceful people in history (or mythology, however you look at it) and being a person who wants nothing more than peace among all peoples is a disqualifying trait.

Likely because there are other people who fall into the Christian “category” that aren’t like me. But if I were Jewish, Muslim, Wiccan or Buddhist, I’d be ok to date.

 

WTF?!?

5 thoughts on “Discrimination

  1. Danielle

    Oh dear Michelle ma belle….I can agree with some things that you’ve stated, but I also think you’re being discriminatory with some of your deal breakers. I’m a prime example of having friendships and of having relationships with people who don’t believe exactly as I do. It’s lovely at times to have someone that you can actually have a real dialogue with instead of them just agreeing with everything that you do and say. If you open up your mind a little, you may encounter some really great people who may just be perfect for you. :/ I know you’re going to not agree with me on the above, but dating websites don’t give you a real perception of what people are made of. I don’t think you should cross them off of your list without giving it a fair shot. And heck, maybe you get dinner and a night out from it. Just my two cents :)

    Reply
    1. MomOfRose Post author

      How am I being discriminatory with my deal breakers? If a guy says his favorite past-time is playing video games, am I wrong for not pursuing a relationship with him? If he has no aspirations of climbing the corporate ladder, am I to date him anyway if I want someone who wants to move up? I understand that everyone will have deal breakers. I guess I just don’t like that I’m lumped into a category of “church-going” or “practicing” Christian like it’s a bad thing. Maybe guys only want “commercial” Christians: give gifts on Christmas and hunt for eggs on Easter, but don’t celebrate the reasons behind the holidays, like many Americans do with St. Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s day. But these holidays do not come from celebrating a deity, rather saints. The other deal breakers listed have socially accepted implied reasons as to why the person considers them “deal breakers.” “Church going” or “practicing” Christian doesn’t explain why the person doesn’t consider it a quality they are looking for. Again, it’s just excluding Christians, no other religion. It just makes me really wonder what they mean with their quotes (which I’ve used liberally in this comment) and what I should put on my profile to make sure I’m not outright discriminating folks.
      Perhaps you’re both right and I have no right or reason to complain.

      Reply
      1. Danielle

        I don’t think you’re taking into account that men “our” age actually act our age. Until responsibility becomes a priority, sorry to say, most men act like little boys. You and every man out there are not going to meet having exactly the same life, the same exact ideals or hobbies. That’s why they have the term, “growing with somebody.” You will never know what you want until you experience it. All you know right now is what you went through in your past relationship. That negativity is going to bring you down, instead of going through things with a fresh attitude. You don’t need to bring dudes around your kid until it’s right with YOU. I think we’ve talked about this before and you got so mad at me. lol As for the religious issue, I completely agree that you should not think twice about people who aren’t climbing their own spiritual ladder. It’s a trait that is REALLY important to you, but Christianity is a really broad term. I’m sure they don’t have Shi’ite (or however it’s spelled) and Sunni options for Islam. It’s a generality and I don’t think you should be so frustrated by it.

        Reply
  2. Bob

    I noticed the title of this blog is discrimination. You claim to be discriminated upon because your particular sect of Christianity is not represented specifically and that people generalize your beliefs based on your religion as well. Yes, those things tend to happen today. People tend to generalize and assume certain things about people based on their race, beliefs, hobbies, etc.

    It seems to me you are doing the same thing in this post. For instance, you claim that some of the matches you receive suffer from “lack of motivation.” How do you know this? Do these matches literally say: I lack motivation and I do the bare minimum in everything I do? You discriminate against people who play video games and make ridiculous assumptions based on their choice of pictures. Just as you say these “algorithms” don’t take into consideration how many books you have, the same algorithms don’t take into account how long they play video games for. Unless you specifically meet these people to determine who they are, you really cannot begin to make assumptions on their lives. Isn’t that what you claim they are doing to you?

    Your rejection of these guys is based on assumptions. However, the majority of these men may not be interested in you, NOT because of the assumptions you claim they have based on your religion or other things, but because of a fact: you have a child.

    You are fairly young and have a child. The men who are the same age as you may see that and decide, “you know, I probably would have given her a shot, but I would rather start my own family.” It doesn’t matter whether you are black, blue, green, Christian, Hindu, or whatever. For some people, the FACT that you have a kid could turn them off.

    Reply
    1. MomOfRose Post author

      I am not making assumptions based on who the algorithms match me to: I talk to the men, look at the pictures they choose to post and read their profiles. I “make assumptions” based on what they tell me. And I am well aware that assumptions are made about me. Humans make assumptions every day; it’s unavoidable. Every website I’ve been on asks whether or not you have children, want children and if you would date someone with children; I’ve never been matched up with someone who does NOT want to date a single mom. If I come across a profile while browsing that states they do not want to date a person who already has children, I move on. When I find one that BASHES single parents, I send them a message asking what it was that brought them to the conclusion that they needed to post such a negative message on their profile. The same is with people of other religions. If a person states they are non-religious and would prefer their partner is also non-religions, I move on. But when a profile singles out a particular religious group as “un-dateable”, I again ask them why. Why would someone who puts “non-religious” as their religion state they don’t date Christians? Which brings me back to the statement in my post: If I were Jewish, Muslim, Wiccan or Buddhist, I’d be ok to date. But not as a Christian.

      Reply

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