Em

• Loves to sweep – no really! She’ll ask my mom if she can sweep almost every day! She pretty much enjoys just about every aspect of cleaning; she’ll clean the countertops just because, she doesn’t mind cleaning the toilet, she’ll vacuum, load and unload the dishwasher without my asking, and dry dishes when we hand wash.
• Loves to read. We’re currently in a battle with the school librarian (same as we are every year) to let Em check out whatever book she asks for. She’s in the middle of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and the librarian “let” her check out a book from the Boxcar Children series. Oy. But Em will read whenever she has the chance. On her road trip with my parents this past summer Em started Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban when they first hit the road and had finished it by the end of the three-week trip.
• Allows me to sleep in. Ever since she’s been able to pour milk out of the gallon jug in the fridge, Em’s had breakfast on her own if she’s awake before I am. And when she’s done with breakfast, she’ll either draw, read, watch mom-approved movies on Netflix, or play on the Wii.
• Gives me a drawing almost every day, at least 3 if I’m not feeling well.
• Is not afraid of creepy-crawlies. If she sees a spider she’s unfamiliar with she’ll come ask if it’s a good or bad bug. She’ll chase crickets out of the house and just the other day she plucked 3 snails off our outside wall!
• Has a deep thirst for theology. On our walks to church each Sunday morning she’ll ask questions about God, Jesus, various biblical characters and rules. And because we share the same train of logic, when a question gets a bit deeper than most 7-year-olds would ask, I can try to relate it to something in our lives and she almost immediately says, “Oh! I get it!”
• Gives long, heartfelt hugs. She’s a big “lover.” Every night when I tuck her in, she requires a hug before she climbs into her loft and then “demands” a kiss through the slats of her bed once she’s under her sheets.
• Enjoys showers. I frequently have to go into the bathroom and tell her that she’s been in there too long.
• Is a third-generation rocker. I grew up listening to “classic rock,” music from my parents’ generation and Em can sing along with most of them. She even kicks my butt at Stray Cat Strut on Rock Band (granted I’m playing guitar on Hard and she’s on the drums on Easy, but she still scores higher than I do almost every time).
• Can sing. Like really sing. I know she’s young for voice lessons, but the girl’s got POWER when she thinks no one’s listening. She especially loves Adele.
• Enjoys playing games and learns new ones very quickly. Her new favorites are Mexican Train (dominoes) and a new card game called Ratuki. She’s getting better at not being a sore loser, but she also assures me that she wants me to play “hard,” not go easy on her just because she’s younger.
• Knows when she needs to be “invisible.” Case in point: this past weekend I attended my church’s Leadership Board Retreat, where the leaders of the church met for 7 hours. When we first scheduled the retreat, I expressed the need for childcare, but it somehow was overlooked. Em was very quiet while hanging out in the chapel, in the back of the meeting room and in the library. When she needed my help or attention, she was very careful not to disturb others at the meeting.

I can’t pinpoint any one thing that has led Em to be a very enjoyable child. It could be my parenting style, the chocolate I ate during my pregnancy, or just chance that she has always been like this.

Whatever the reason, I’m grateful. I often feel like I’m not a “true” single mom because I have it so easy. I could easily be the luckiest mom in the world.

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I went to Quest on Friday to get my BETA (blood) test done. Negative.

I wasn’t surprised; none of the HPKs I took showed even a hint of a postitive. After my initial let-down and second-guessing myself, I learned that none of the other embryos that were created at the same time as the one I was implanted with were viable. So it’s likely that the embryo I had was not very good, either.

I spoke to “the boys” today and they are going to be looking for a new egg donor, hopefully one who has donated before and has had successful embryos created from them. There’s no real timeline on when they’ll select a new donor; it depends on the selection available to them.

The boys will be coming out here again and will likely be here for both the fertilization and transfer!! Very exciting.

For now, I wait. I’ve stopped all medications, per my nurses instructions, and now I wait for the menstrual cycle from hell! The estrogen I was taking was increasing my uterine lining and the progesterone was keeping it at each level we increased it to. So I may not be a very pleasant person this week.

After the new egg donor is selected, she and I will sync up our cycles, just like I did with the last one. There’s a good chance I’ll be on the same drugs as before, but the doctor could choose to put me on different medications or use different methods of delivery.

We’ll just have to wait and see.

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“You must pre-pay for your car’s fuel before a single drop sees the inside of your tank. You pay for your groceries before you can leave the store with them. You pay your electric bill once the utility company calculates how much you’ve used. You get your paycheck after you’ve put in your time. The newspaper company will leave a paper in your driveway after you’ve paid for a subscription. You can’t hear your favorite artist perform live until you’ve purchased entry into the venue.

The majority of this world relies on payment for services. If you want something, you have to pay for it.

This church is not a store, but it does give you many options when it comes to filling your spiritual shopping cart. It is not a gas station, but it does give you the fuel you need to keep going. It is not a restaurant, but it gives you a period of rest between all the activities that fill your life. It is not a utility company, and yet it fulfills the basic need we all have that keeps us coming back for more: love and truth.

This church does not require payment for services rendered. There are no bills from the church at the end of the month. There are no hidden fees. There are no payment plans to help you get out of debt to the church.

And yet we pass these collection plates down the pews each week, hoping that you will give a goodwill offering. Something to show your appreciation, your gratitude,  your faith in the church. That what we are doing here, what we are, is something good, something fulfilling, something everyone needs.

The diaconate will now come forward to collect your offerings to the church.”

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Michelle Stillson

And so I write this post. For me.

I don’t think the embryo transfer last week worked. I have nothing concrete in front of me to suggest this. It’s just a feeling. Like when I had a feeling I was pregnant with my daughter at least a week before I missed my period. My breasts weren’t tender, I wasn’t sick, I just felt different. I cannot explain it to anyone because I don’t even know how I knew I was pregnant. I just felt different. I wasn’t far along in my pregnancy then, probably only a couple of weeks. I called my doctor’s office to set an appointment to come in. They wouldn’t let me make an appointment for a pregnancy test until a home kit showed positive. I went to the grocery store and called the doctor’s office back 5 minutes later when the home kit showed those two lines. I just knew.

I don’t feel different now. It’s like the embryo transfer never happened. My breasts have been sore for weeks thanks to the lovely shots I’ve been on. My face isn’t breaking out thanks to the lovely shots I’ve been on; when I was pregnant with “Em,” I had acne like I was 13 again! The home kits I’ve been using this week don’t show that glorious second line.

I know it’s early. I am currently 8dp5d (8 days post 5-day-old-embryo transfer); the embryo is now 13 days old, but I’ve only had it for 8 days, if it’s still there. It’s early. I know. In the support group I’ve joined on Facebook, everyone tells me it’s early. One woman told me she didn’t get a positive until 10 days after her transfer, and yet another woman got a positive 7 days after. So I’m in between those…

But the lack of the second line and the lack of feeling I had last time make me think I’m not pregnant. Even the BETA (blood) test later this week could be misleading. Some women have incredibly high numbers and know immediately that they are pregnant, and still others have a low number from their first BETA and a very high number from their second BETA.

And I know that if I’m not pregnant I’ll have another transfer, but I still feel depressed. I feel ashamed, like my body didn’t hold up our end of the bargain. I’m young. I had no trouble getting pregnant with my daughter; in fact, I got pregnant faster than I wanted. Sure, we were trying to get pregnant, but we didn’t think it’d happen the month after skipping my Depo shot; we were told it could take 6-9 months to conceive. When “Dr. Singer” did my ultrasound 2 weeks ago, my uterine lining was thick enough for him to proceed with the transfer. My hormone levels have been right where they should be. I’ve been taking my shots and prenatal vitamins the way I was told.

So what went wrong? What did I do to make this transfer fail?

I know, I know. I don’t know that I’m not pregnant, it’s just that the home kits aren’t detecting enough HCG to show that second line. And I know, I know, it’s not that I did something wrong or didn’t so something right. Sometimes IVF fails. If  it failed.

But I still feel like it’s my fault. I still feel like a failure. I’m still jealous of the women in my support group who are seeing positives on their home kits before their BETAs. I still don’t feel pregnant.

It’s not fair.

And that’s how I feel.

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I took this photo at Doheny State Beach in Dana Point. I don’t have all the info on what I did to get this shot; my camera is in my closet 10 feet away and I’m too lazy to go get it. I’ll update that later. And this isn’t even the best quality it could be; I uploaded the picture from my camera to my iPad and then emailed it to myself, so it was saved at the highest quality the iPad could do. I’m sure the original will look great as a framed photo in my living room.

Anyhoo, my picture.

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Michelle Stillson