I originally was going to write this post about the butterflies in my stomach. Butterflies I thought were just intermittent morning sickness. Upset stomach that sent me running for the bathroom in the mornings. Once I “took care of business” my stomach was fine. It only happened about 5 times so far, so I thought I was just lucky this time around with the morning sickness. But then I remembered the upset stomach I’d get as a kid when I was nervous or something was stressing me out. I chalked this sporadic vomiting to work stress. But just because I was getting sick when I arrived at the office didn’t necessarily mean it was work stressing me out. This time, walking like a duck and talking like a duck did not mean it was a duck.
Turns out my nervousness was coming from upcoming events with “Brad.” Yup, the guy is giving me butterflies and my “delicate condition” is magnifying them into butterflies from hell.
I had this gigantic post brewing in my head that was going to be sappy and so sticky sweet that even I couldn’t finish reading it without gagging at the cuteness.
But my hormones seem to be getting the best of me today. All of sudden I’m questioning every aspect of our relationship, from how and how often we communicate to how and where we spend our time together. Conversations lull sooner than before, if they happen at all; silence is the new normal. I’m doubting his sincerity and interest. I’m angry at myself for doubting him, for feeling selfish and entitled.
It’s been two freaking months.
Why am I feeling like I should be the first thing he thinks of in the morning and the last thing he thinks of at night? Why do I become upset at stupid little things that get in the way of seeing each other, things that neither of us have control of? Why am I allowing this relationship to be in the forefront of my life? Why do I feel like I’m trying too hard, rushing things? Why am I insecure and afraid that he’s not as into me as I am into him? Why do I still feel like he’s better than me, that he deserves more than I can offer, that he’s slowly realizing that and is trying to figure a way out?
I don’t fit into his world and mine is so different from anything he’s experienced as an adult; what were we thinking, starting a relationship? We’re having to plan our time together months in advance. Things we want to do with each other conflict with work, business travel, travel to see family and friends, church, friends we don’t have in common, pregnancy restrictions… Add to that the 70 miles between us and it seems we just can’t see each other.
Despite the hopelessness I’m feeling of all this, I’m not giving up. Not that I have any valid reason to give up, it’s all emotions. But it seems impossible to really progress in this.
I’m sure in a few hours I’ll be fine, hunky-dory and will feel even more stupid for feeling this way, let alone writing about it. But it’s there, that feeling of “Why bother? This won’t work and it’s only hurting both of us to ignore it. He deserves a girlfriend he can actually see and touch, someone who doesn’t give him blank stares when he talks tech, someone who doesn’t get upset at the most stupid things, someone who isn’t a raging hormone fireball, someone who doesn’t have so many other commitments that get in the way, someone who won’t push him to keep up with her pace.” Right now it seems silly and futile to think I could ever make any relationship work, let alone the one I’m in with the best person I can imagine seeing myself with. I love this man and it breaks my heart to think that life is getting in the way of that.