I can’t/What if

I can’t

I can’t begin to process what my ears are hearing

I am struggling to come up with words of meaning and substance. Words that will calm and bring peace

A good friend of Brad’s died tonight. A car accident. Brad was in that car. Brad is okay. Physically. Physically Brad is okay.

But emotionally he is damaged. When he called to tell me that his friend didn’t make it out of surgery, I could tell in his voice before his words registered in my brain. Not only did Brad lose a friend tonight, he was there.

Along with feelings of sorrow and grief for a friend I’ll never meet, and the knowledge of how it feels to lose someone so suddenly, tragically, violently

are the feelings that it could have been Brad. Knowing how close he came to not being okay sends hot tears streaming down my cheeks. The panic of the what if leaves me gasping for air, disbelief at what hasn’t happened as if it did happen.

My feelings are nothing compared to what Brad and the rest of his friends are going through right now. There is nothing I can do or say to any of them to give peace, to help them sleep tonight. I cannot go to where Brad is. I cannot hold him and hug him and let him cry until he falls asleep to the inevitable nightmares.

I can only sit here and answer the phone if he calls. If he calls because I am of no use to him right now. I cannot do anything. Any grief I am feeling pales in comparison to his. Any guilt I feel is no match to what any of his friends may be feeling.

I can only sit here and answer the phone if he calls.

One thought on “I can’t/What if

  1. Megan

    I am so, so very sorry Michelle. I am keeping you all in my prayers… Especially the family of his friend. I just had a bit of a breakdown last night when I realized how fast time truly goes and how precious each moment with those we love is. Tragic events like this make even those of us who are not directly affected, think about what is important. You have such a tender and caring heart. I hope that he will be able to press into you and into God to find peace over what has happened. Thinking about you and sending you many hugs.

    Reply

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