I Cried…

I haven’t posted in a while. Mostly because I feel like I have nothing to say. And yet, here I am. A lot has happened since I last posted, but honestly… It takes too much effort to write about what all has happened. So here’s the Reader’s Digest version: Mom, Dad, and “Em” came to visit for a week. Great visit. Been working a lot lately, working not enough overtime and too much overtime at the same time… If that makes sense. Depression has been worse lately, but not much I can do about that. Other than that, nothing has changed.

Today at work, I was overcome by my emotions. Hearing about my best friend “Amber’s” family drama upset me enough that it put me over the edge. No, Amber, this was NOT your fault, and yes, PLEASE continue to keep me informed of what’s going on. Today was a crazy fluke, I promise! I was feeling guilty for thinking my own family problems were bad, anger that someone could treat Amber and her family so rudely, and stresssing about a million different things. While sitting at my desk, alone in my little cubicle, I broke down and I cried. I texted my sister to tell her that I finally cried in my cubicle (she’s had more crazy hormones than I have), and we talked for a while. After about 40 minutes of crying (and not working, since I couldn’t see my computer screen through my tears, let alone didn’t care about work since it was one of the reasons I was crying), I ran out of tears (but not snot – funny how that works…).

I cried in outrage. I cried in anger. I cried in fear. I cried because I feel empty inside. I don’t feel like myself anymore. For 15 1/2 weeks I have been off my depression medication, and for once I can see myself as who I am without them. I don’t like to think of them as a crutch, but I’ve seen people in my own life who have said to themselves “Wow, the drugs cured me, I’m all better” and stop taking them – and then all Hell breaks loose. But for me, I know that they aren’t a cure for the chemical imbalance that I deal with everyday. There isn’t a cure for it. I like who I am on the medication because it makes me happy and healthy. I’m not suicidal when I’m off my meds, though some people can be. I am a “worst day ever-everyday” person when I’m off my meds. There’s this constant-rain-cloud-following-me feeling; this got-dressed-in-the-dark-so-the-brown-pants-I-think-I-put-on-are-actually-black-and-I-clash-and-don’t-notice-until-I-get-to-the-office feeling; this can’t-do-anything-right feeling. The world isn’t out to get me (although, I maintain that my cats are), but I just don’t want to get out of bed, and when I do, I regret it. I. Deal. With. This. Every. Day. For four months. And I have five more to go, plus possibly more with nursing.

I half-wondered if this guy “Kevin” who sits next to me would come over and check on me because I was sniffling and breathing heavy (hard to breathe when you’re nose is stuffed from crying). But he didn’t. I also half-expected the manager who sits next to me, “Michelle”, to check up on me because I one point I accidentally let out one of those half-hiccup-half-sobs. But she didn’t. I’m glad they didn’t. Because when people see me cry, I cry harder. And how do you explain to a manager that one of the reasons you’re crying is because I’m ready to be a housewife again? That would be me talking bad about my job, although in a roundabout way. I like my job, though it is extremely repetitive, and a monkey could do it. But I miss being home. I miss seeing my husband. I come home at 8:30, and we see each other for about two hours before we go to bed. Two hours a night isn’t enough when I’m used to five or six.

Normally, when I’m done crying, I feel so much better. But then again, that’s usually because my husband is there to give me a hug. Note added after the fact: I made this sound like my husband is the reason I’m crying, and he’s not! He just happens to help me STOP crying. :) Today, I just felt like I wanted to keep crying. Twice more I’ve had to wipe tears out of my eyes and tell myself to knock it off. Two hours after I had this “melt-down” I had a team meeting. I felt like eyes were still puffy and my nose was red. Nobody said anything or looked at me weird, so it’s probably just me. But I felt so disconnected in the meeting.

That’s one of the things I told “Amber” when I was talking to her. I feel so disconnected. Not so much from the world, just in general. Sure, there’s Facebook to keep up with my family. No problem keeping up with my sister – she posts about 15 status updates a day! ;P Love ya Sister! But I’m just not interested in doing anything. Ever. All my passion is gone. I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to clean (well, I never want to clean), I don’t want to crochet, I don’t want to play video games, I don’t want to watch TV. I just want to sleep.

I’m just so tired of feeling like this.

And that’s just one of the reasons why, today, I cried…

This entry was posted in Sister on by .

About Li'l Sis

My name is Nicole . I'm 24, married for 3 years, and expecting my first child. I live with my husband and two cats, Frank and Marmalade. Right now I am working full-time at a new job, but that status might change soon. I collect hobbies, but my favorite one for the time being is baking cupcakes. I've been told they are quite tasty. :) I have one older sister, whom I adore and look up to every day. She and I are 4 and a half years apart in age, but it seems like nothing now that we are both grown women. While we are at different points in our lives, we are still best of friends and talk frequently. I have a very close and healthy relationship with my parents and my in-laws. I've been living on the other side of the country for a year, and miss my family terribly, but since technology is a big part of our lives, we are able to comminucate more often than we did when I lived 20 minutes away.

7 thoughts on “I Cried…

  1. Becky

    Not to be repetitious, but Pam’s advise is great. I totally understand not wanting to get out of bed. Take it 15 minutes at a time. If you can work in a 30 minute walk each day, or every other day, that would be great. If you have a buddy you can exercise with, even better (helps you feel accountable and forces you to get up if you know someone is waiting on you). Put up light colored curtains in your room to help the light shine through in the morning. Natural light is your friend. Know that you are loved! I know, it is so hard being away from everything you knew, everything that helped you define who you are. I totally understand how hard it is to find where you fit in after moving to a new place. Believe it or not, you may have the “monkey could do it job” for a reason right now. It is forcing you to get up and out the door each day. I love you so much! Hang in there.

  2. "Amber"

    “Amber” checking in. I was worried sharing with you was going to hurt. But we share everything, and I didn’t want to make you feel coddled. We love each other so much that when one of us gets hurt, the other one bleeds. Don’t let their actions hurt your heart anymore babe, I’m not letting it hurt mine.

    I. Love. You. I know what kind of courage it takes for you to get up every morning and face this. I know you hate the apathy you’re struggling with. I wish I could carry it for you and the baby right now. Take your Grandma Pam’s advice. Talk to your ob/gun and see what can be done for the depression during pregnancy. I’m here for you, for anything.

    1. Li'l Sis Post author

      Hey bestie! πŸ˜€ You and I are so sympathetic towards others and each other it’s almost impossible to not be angry for you and your situation. Especially when my emotions are amped up by the baby hormones. It’s like telling Frank not to be a cat – im-poss-i-ble!! But I know that you are strong and I am strong enough to handle the hatred that comes over me at the situations your family puts you in. Try not to worry about what you should or shouldn’t confide in me.

      I miss you so much, and I can’t wait to see you. You’re my sister from another mustache. πŸ˜‰

      BTW, you’re typo “ob/gun” totally made me giggle out loud. πŸ˜‰

  3. Grandma Pam

    Have a serious talk with your ob/gyn. You may need to adjust your diet and/or exercise several times a day (for the endorphin effect). Ask for help in choosing foods to elevate mood; eliminate all caffinated foods/beverages and alcohol as they mess with hormones that can lead to depression. YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS. Read happy books/magazines; watch happy TV/movies; talk to happy people. Get a councilor through your mental health insurance and talk regularly – every other week if you can. Talking, walking and eating correctly WILL help you. Call your Mother and talk, too. Gma Pam knows by personal experience – every day – that it is hard but attitude helps. And knowing you are loved to the moon and back by half of Orange County (including me!!) helps a little. Right? XOXOXOXO

    1. Li'l Sis Post author

      Thank you Pam! I have an appointment with her next week and I will be mentioning everything I have felt and wished I feel. I appreciate everybody’s love, and it is amplified throughout the pregnancy. I miss everyone terribly, but I know that there are so many people that I can reach out to if I absolutely need. Thank you for reaching out to me! :)


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