I Do Not Hook Up

**I make no apologies for this post. This is my personal blog.**

Yesterday I got a text from a friend from high school. “Joe” and I were in Dance and Choir together. He was the guy all the girls wanted but didn’t want. He had moves and talent, and he knew it. He knew he was a hot commodity and he used that knowledge to flirt with and date whomever he wanted at the time. And all of us girls knew that. While he was beautiful to stare at, anyone who dated him did so with caution; how long would the relationship last before he decided to move on to someone else who was pining for him? He never treated you like dirt, he just never really gave you all of his attention, either. Joe and I hung out a bit, but nothing came of it.

A year or so after high school, Joe and I hung out again. We flirted, but never went farther than that. I lost touch with him, but we later became friends on Facebook. I learned he’d married, had a daughter, moved out of California and moved back.

4 or 5 months ago I bumped into him in the grocery store. We hugged, caught up briefly, and went our way. He and his family had just moved into an apartment near the store and he promised he’d give me the info since there was another unit available there. The apartment didn’t work out, but we kept in touch.

So. Yesterday’s text.

Joe and his wife have been separated for a few weeks. He’s living with his folks but drives his daughter to school every morning. I don’t presume to know what’s going on with his relationship with his wife, and I also know that there are two sides to every story. He said he and his wife are trying to work things out, but that she knows that he’s out “looking around.”

Basically, he hasn’t “been with anyone” in a while and was looking for a booty call.

It’s been a LONG time for me; 4.5 years to be exact. I really miss sex. I do. But I know myself. I know that I get attached to someone I’ve been physical with. Joe is looking for a hook up, nothing more. And I can’t do that. Because I’d want there to be more, more of something that he can’t give me. He’s still married, and that in itself would bother me. Yeah, they’re separated, but what if he and his wife work things out? Id be attached to an unavailable guy. If divorce papers were filed, I might feel a bit more inclined to accept his invitation, but again, there’s the whole “I want a relationship” issue. I DON’T want to be the girl he dates right after his divorce. I can’t handle being a rebound-girl. Again, I’d want more than he could give me. And I just can’t separate sex and emotion. I’ve only ever “been” with someone that I was dating or had a long relationship with.

And, yes, I’m a Christian. I can argue with anyone all day long about pre-marital sex and the Bible. My religion really didn’t have any weight on whether or not I’d hook up with Joe. It was about what I know about myself and how I’d handle a “casual encounter.”

So I said no.

With no romantic possibilities around, 5 years of being involuntarily celibate is a very real possibility. Not exactly a milestone I’m proud of, but it’s better than being hung up on a guy I can’t have.

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