I Don’t Know Where To Be

I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I want to move on but I don’t. I want to be able to get through a day without hearing something or seeing something that reminds me of him, but I can’t. I’m not ready to completely forget, to let go. I wish I had a friend to talk to about this but I know I’d sound like a broken record. And a part of me believes that my words would fall on deaf ears like “Enough already, he was just a boyfriend! It’s not like you’re getting divorced or he’s moving out or he died! Watch a chick-flick, have a glass of wine and MOVE ON!” Because part of me agrees with that. A part of me thinks that enough time has passed that I should be able to get through a day without thinking about him who knows how many times.

But I can’t help it. I’m absolutely miserable. Every part of me hurts, my muscles are tense and it takes me hours to fall asleep. And it’s completely pointless because my being miserable is not helping me. All it does it remind me of what I threw away with my tantrum. I miss him like crazy but that isn’t going to change anything. I’m mourning – and for what? He didn’t die, he’s perfectly healthy and happy – happy and moving on without me, and I’m miserable without him. I don’t want to move on because thinking about someone new means leaving him behind. And it’s so stupid to think that because I’m the one that threw him away. I 100% regret what I did last month and I’m miserable because it doesn’t matter how badly I feel, I’m the one that screwed things up. And it hurts so much.

And I hate hurting like this. Every day I wake up thinking I’m going to take a tiny baby step forward, I’m going to make a small attempt to move on with my life, but by the end of the day when I’m alone, deciding I should be getting ready for bed and thinking about my weekend plans, I suddenly remember that I don’t have him to say goodnight to anymore, to plan with anymore, to look forward to seeing anymore. My fake smile and my false mood come crashing down and I end up crying myself to sleep. I can’t forgive myself and I can’t move on – because this pain is all I have left of the wonderful I destroyed.

And that makes me sound like a complete nutcase.

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