I’m Happy That I’m Sad

Can you really mourn over something that is not really lost? Can you miss something if you never even had it in the first place?

A couple of weeks ago I made a new friend. I wrote about him before but I didn’t want to say too much because I wasn’t sure if our budding friendship was really going to make a difference in my life. I had hoped it would. I think he had, too. At least, I hope he had.

But life has taken a different turn for him. He’s moving out of state and so I won’t have a chance to get to know him like I wanted. I’m happy for the opportunity he will have because of this move but I’m sad for me. We really connected the first time we met and I was looking forward to adding to my small collection of friends that I truly form a bond with. And, I’m not afraid to say, I had hoped that our friendship would blossom into something more.

It’s strange, feeling this sense of loss over something that was never really mine. We had a wonderful night of conversation and clicking and laughing. But that’s all it really was. One night of marvelous conversation over drinks. And yet — I’m sad.

He gave me hope. Hope that I might finally leave this depression and loneliness and feeling of unworthiness behind me. Hope that I might someday again truly connect with someone on a deeper level. Hope that there really is someone out there that wants to be with me. Hope that someday someone will see that the broken parts of me are still a beautiful part of the whole and will love me for who I am, not just for who they think I could be. Hope that I won’t be alone for the rest of my life.

I mourn and embrace my loss of the possibility of his presence in my life because in his kind words and acceptance I could forget my pain. I could be me again.

That one night changed me inside more than I thought would be possible anytime soon.

And for that I am grateful to him.

To my “ugly duckling”: thank you. I wish you could know the measure of the tremendous and wonderful impact you have had on my life.

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