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I’m Not As Crazy As You Think

Ok. Lucy’s got some “splaining” to do.

I won a bottle of wine. Like 5 months ago or something. It was a work raffle. I didn’t even know I had been entered. Whatever. It was white wine. I was happy.

I put the wine in my fridge a few weeks ago. You never know when you’re gonna want a glass, right? It doesn’t take up that much space.

A few days ago I decided I wanted a glass of wine. It’d been a hard day. If I’d known it was going to get worse, I’d have gone to bed right then and there at 9:30 at night.

I got the wine out of the fridge and pulled out my Pampered Chef Wine Bottle Opener (nice plug, eh?). I’ve had it for a few years, but have only opened maybe 8 or so bottles with it. Hey, I’m a single mom. I can’t drink alone too often without feeling guilty. Anyhoo, I know how to open a bottle of wine with this thing. So when the plastic cap on top of the screw-thingy cracked mid-use, I was quite surprised. Now I had a metal screw-thingy stuck in my cork (I know, it sounds like a personal problem to me, too). I tried super-gluing the cap back on; no luck. I couldn’t make the screw go up or down (I’m officially a cheesy porn-lit writer now) and clearly I did not yet have any wine to make my bad day better.

My wonderful father gave me a Christmas gift that if given to any other 27-year-old single woman would have likely made her throw a tantrum: a power drill. I was thrilled, being that I’m finally in my own apartment after 5 years living with my folks and my kid. Yay thoughtful, practical daddys! Anyway, I got out the power drill, thinking that I would just put the end of the corkscrew into the opening in the front (see how technical and tool-talky I’ve become since owning a power drill?). I couldn’t get the corkscrew to go down into the cork any farther, but I was able to get it out. Hooray!

But I still don’t have any wine. But I do have a power drill in my hands. So I stuck my long drill bit (see, I know some real words!) into it and decided to just drill a hole in the cork and get my wine that way. The drill bit wouldn’t go through the cork. It was like I was hitting metal, except without the horrific screeching sound I am imagining that metal on metal makes. No sound, except for the stopping of the motor in the power drill because it refused to drill through cork. So now I just have a hole down the center of my cork and still. No. Wine.

I gave up and put the bottle back in the fridge, cried, threw the tantrum I didn’t throw at Christmas and watched a movie or something. I forget.

After a few days I decided to try again. Except this time I’ll push the damn cork into the bottle. But what to push it with? Everything I own that would be small and long enough to fit in the bottle isn’t strong enough to push on without breaking. So I got out my screwdriver that lets me insert different bits (there’s that porn again), took out the bit that was in it and pushed that empty end into the bottle. But I’m a wuss, so I can’t push hard enough to get the cork in. Not to worry, I’m resourceful (as a very good friend put it after hearing this story, my last name might really be MacGyver). I got out my hammer and started pounding on the end of the screwdriver. I pushed the cork about halfway down when I ran into another problem. My screwdriver was too short and was now being blocked by the rim of the bottle (that’s what He said?). Well, Hell!

I thought about putting a long bit into the screwdriver, but I didn’t have any long enough that were the right shape. So I got out my drill bit again. I stuck it in the hole that I’d made the other night (I’m really sorry about this. I’ve now had wine, so it’s kinda funny to me) and pushed. And pushed. It only took 5 or so good pushes and the cork finally slid into the wine!

…with my drill bit still stuck in the hole.

This is what my bottle of wine looks like now:

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So, I’m not really as crazy as you think.

I think.

But I don’t care. I have wine!

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