It’s so difficult to explain what I’m feeling right now. Something needs to change. Or maybe I’m the one that needs to change.
Things haven’t been right for a while. They’ve been uncomfortable. I’ve been reduced to tears on multiple occasions, not all of them hormone/pregnancy related. I only give the bare minimum effort required of me and I do my best not to make waves.
I wake up in the morning thinking, “Do I have to, really?” It’s not exciting anymore. I’m not passionate anymore. I don’t really care anymore. And I don’t smile as much anymore.
And yet I do care. When I think about walking away from it, I cry. I need this.
I think? Maybe I think I need this, but really, my need is just a want?
Maybe I’m scared of starting over, of putting myself out there. Maybe I’m afraid that I’ll find out I’m not worth what I think I am, what I want to be worth. And who knows how long it’ll take to find what I want, what I need, to find where I am needed and where I belong?
It becomes harder and harder each day to find the positive. I feel under-appreciated, under-valued. I feel like I’m sleep-walking, just going through the motions. When I’m not around, my absence is barely noticed.
And yet I feel inclined to stick it out. Not let go of a good thing, ya know? I don’t want to look back weeks, months, years down the road and hate myself for being a quitter.
The selfish part of me thinks that I deserve better, that I should be noticed and appreciated more. The selfish part of me thinks that I shouldn’t have to do anything different, that I’m not the problem. The selfish part of me thinks I should be able to do what I want without expectation to change, to conform.
I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m cowering and bowing because I’m not considered worthy. I want to be respected for who I am and what I can do and have done.
But is it too risky? What if I leave and don’t find anything better? What if this is the best I can do and I’m too pig-headed to acknowledge it?