Letting Go/Breaking Down Walls

Trust.

  1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
  2. confident expectation of something; hope.
  3. confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.
  4. person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.
  5. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.

Trust is a big issue for me. I used to be a “trust until the trust is broken” person. But my ex-husband asked me for a divorce and in the same breath  told me he’d wanted the divorce prior to our move out of CA. I’ve lost friends because I gave them all of myself and in turn they abused our friendship or used my trust to deceive me. I no longer see trust-worthy people. Instead I see people who need to prove time and again that I can rely on them, that I can trust them with my hope, my love, my life. Even then, it’s rare that someone outside my immediate family has my complete trust, or even 3/4 of it.

But it’s not fair for me to look at each new person in my life with distrust, either. What have they done to me? Nothing. Are they my ex-husband? No. I’m trying so very hard to put more trust in people, to let people see that I’m giving them a chance, one chance, and hoping they do not screw it up.

Trust is a necessary part of relationships, whether they are family, coworkers, friends, significant others, mechanics… I cannot, I will not allow myself to be distrustful of each person I encounter.

But it is so scary! It is so scary to open myself up to someone I care about, to say, “This is me” and show them the scariest parts of my mind. Just the thought of telling someone my biggest insecurities and past mistakes makes my eyes start to water. Knowing that the information could be used against me or could forever ruin the relationship has me looking for an escape route before I’ve even put myself in danger.

I can’t speak for all women, but I think I can speak for most  when I say “We almost always have some part of our selves, whether visible or internal, that we do not like and we’d rather other people didn’t see.”

And yet, twice in one week I’ve found myself discussing my insecurities with “Brad.” Our almost-nightly conversations consist mostly of questions about each other’s likes, dislikes, firsts, wants, dreams, strange facts about ourselves… Two conversations so far have included the disgust I have for my current weight and the fact that I’m the only one that got me to the weight I’m at now and thus have no one or thing to blame for it. And, of course, my weight causes me to dress in a way that hides it to the best of my ability. Which usually means long pants and shirts that are loose around the middle.

But two compliments from him last week have me re-thinking my wardrobe. Both compliments came on days I wore something I was not completely comfortable in, but I thought he might like. Seems it worked. But, of course, being the insecure person that I’m trying not  to be, I needed some clarification.

“Well, I must say that I’m a sucker for a good dress, and you rock them :)
I want you to be comfortable on dates, so dress what works for you. I’ll get along either way 😀
Don’t compromise your comfort on my behalf. I just want to spend time with you. The outfit doesn’t change that.”

Wow. So, uh, MELTING!

Actually, what I did was start crying. And in trying to be the open, trusting person I want to be, I told him I was crying. But they were good tears. Tears of relief that it seems my trust in him is holding up. That my crazy insecurities and even crazier pregnancy-hormone shifts haven’t scared him off. That these feelings I call “girly” are OK and I’m not completely  over-thinking things.

Oh, I’m positive I’m over-thinking some things. Which almost always leads to trouble. But another conversation with him this week also reassured me that so far I’ve managed to stay OUT of trouble.

I’m trusting Brad with a lot. And it’s paying off.

2 thoughts on “Letting Go/Breaking Down Walls

    1. MomOfRose Post author

      Indeed. I am amazed each day at his ability to reassure me that I’m not crazy, that I’m safe with him and that we have a good thing going.

      Reply

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