“Brad” was physically present to witness my first non-shot hormonal/emotional breakdown. The weekend had been fantastic, full of fun and friends (alliteration not intended). Being the quasi-planner that I am, as we drove back to my place I started thinking ahead to the next possible time we’d be getting together. And in my head I saw the road leading off a cliff into nowhere after Saturday.
This is not a summer romance for me. It may still be a “new” relationship, only a couple of months in the making, but to me it seems stronger than that. Brad and I have made the best of my nearly-6-weeks “off” from being a mom. All that time spent together has brought me serious feelings and emotions. And even stronger, at least right now, is the feeling that our relationship is going to stall.
Brad reassured me that we will make time for us, that this will work. But there is a deep ache in my heart as I silently contradict him with all the things I know come with being a single parent. How hard this is going to be, living and working at least 70 miles away from each other.
“Em” returns home sometime on Sunday and my summer as I know it is over. Twice weekly gymnastics for her, weekly ballet for me, weekends full of birthday parties, gymnastic meets, church activities, not even including my M-F work schedule with no option for PTO as my industry’s “Christmas” nears and Brad’s travel to multiple places for his job. Things I wanted to do and places I wanted to go with Brad now have no space on the calendar.
Between work/school/extra-curricular things during the week and Sunday church activities, Saturdays are my only available days. It is unfair of me to ask him to give up his Saturdays for me. But if we don’t make Saturdays “our days,” then we could easily go weeks or a month without seeing each other. I love our evening talks, but I don’t want a pen pal. I want my boyfriend. Brad and I have been spoiled by the fact that we started dating just before Em went away for the summer. Being able to sleep in later than normal, making the 1.5 hour trip up to see him has been wonderful. But not feasible anymore. And I can’t afford (or beg for free) a sitter every weekend, so “our” time would most often be Brad-Michelle-Em time. Another factor into the “stall” I’m seeing ahead of us.
I don’t know what to think, if I should think. I’m probably over thinking it all. But I can’t see anything in the near future anywhere close to what we’ve had so far. All I see is a road leading to nowhere. And it’s pissing me off. And scaring me.