Only in my dreams

And that right there is why I don’t let myself get hyped up about men.

I had a dream last night. A dream induced by a several-nights-in-a-row Twilight reading session. (Shush, you. I like the story line) A dream where I was with two vampires vying for my attention. In my dream, I was a vampire and I knew who my “Jacob” was (though now I can’t recall), but all through my dream I couldn’t tell who my “Edward” was. Not that it mattered. But it did leave me very frustrated when I woke up. My dreams have always been very vivid and often the emotions I feel in them carry on for a few hours into reality.

As I am a subscriber to the notion that your dreams are your mind’s way of solving problems you can’t do consciously, I’m not at all surprised I had this dream. Most girls would love to be gorgeous, strong, unbreakable and have the attention of two men. Hell, I’d settle for the attention of one!!

More often than not, I wake up during my dreams and they are burned into my brain for a day or so, allowing me to ponder the reason behind them. But sometimes I wish I could leave my dreams in my bed.

See, while this dream was enjoyable at the time, I’m now depressed. Because, seeing as I don’t have the attention of any man, I’m left with the conclusion that my brain is trying to tell me something. Something I’ve been unwilling to recognize or even admit to myself or others.

I’m lonely.

I haven’t had a live-in companion for 7 years. I haven’t had a date in 2 years. I haven’t had a hit on my dating profiles in 1 year. There’s not one person in my life that I can even imagine calling my own.

Well, that’s not entirely true. There is one. But I’d be willing to bet my iPhone that he has never thought about me that way. Or dreamed about me. And he has probably never seen this blog, so it’s likely he won’t ever know/guess/wonder that I’m writing about him. As I think about it now, it’s possible that my “Edward” last night was this man.

Which depresses me even more.

Sorry, Cinderella. I just don’t believe that “a dream is a wish your heart makes.” I can’t believe it. Because when it comes down to it, a wish isn’t something tangible. Wishing doesn’t make things happen.

It just makes me realize that if I’m wishing for something, it’s because I know deep down there’s nothing I can do to turn my dream into a reality.

I wish my dreams would stay in my dreams.

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