Only in my dreams
And that right there is why I don’t let myself get hyped up about men.
I had a dream last night. A dream induced by a several-nights-in-a-row Twilight reading session. (Shush, you. I like the story line) A dream where I was with two vampires vying for my attention. In my dream, I was a vampire and I knew who my “Jacob” was (though now I can’t recall), but all through my dream I couldn’t tell who my “Edward” was. Not that it mattered. But it did leave me very frustrated when I woke up. My dreams have always been very vivid and often the emotions I feel in them carry on for a few hours into reality.
As I am a subscriber to the notion that your dreams are your mind’s way of solving problems you can’t do consciously, I’m not at all surprised I had this dream. Most girls would love to be gorgeous, strong, unbreakable and have the attention of two men. Hell, I’d settle for the attention of one!!
More often than not, I wake up during my dreams and they are burned into my brain for a day or so, allowing me to ponder the reason behind them. But sometimes I wish I could leave my dreams in my bed.
See, while this dream was enjoyable at the time, I’m now depressed. Because, seeing as I don’t have the attention of any man, I’m left with the conclusion that my brain is trying to tell me something. Something I’ve been unwilling to recognize or even admit to myself or others.
I’m lonely.
I haven’t had a live-in companion for 7 years. I haven’t had a date in 2 years. I haven’t had a hit on my dating profiles in 1 year. There’s not one person in my life that I can even imagine calling my own.
Well, that’s not entirely true. There is one. But I’d be willing to bet my iPhone that he has never thought about me that way. Or dreamed about me. And he has probably never seen this blog, so it’s likely he won’t ever know/guess/wonder that I’m writing about him. As I think about it now, it’s possible that my “Edward” last night was this man.
Which depresses me even more.
Sorry, Cinderella. I just don’t believe that “a dream is a wish your heart makes.” I can’t believe it. Because when it comes down to it, a wish isn’t something tangible. Wishing doesn’t make things happen.
It just makes me realize that if I’m wishing for something, it’s because I know deep down there’s nothing I can do to turn my dream into a reality.
I wish my dreams would stay in my dreams.
April 23, 2012
WARNING: TMI and other forms of possibly embarrassing (to you) topics and words to be mentioned here.
If you haven’t heard about my journey to be a gestational surrogate, please go here first.
It’s finally time to start again! A few weeks ago I received notice that the new Egg Donor was officially cleared. The next step was to monitor my hormone levels to determine when I ovulated and then notifying my nurse when I started my period. Ovluation happened April 3rd and my period started on April 21st.
This morning I received a call from the nurse confirming that I’d started my period. I’ll resume taking pre-natal vitamins immediately, the nurse will have birth control pills (to help regulate my hormones) sent to me to start tomorrow and Lupron (to prevent ovulation) on Friday. She also told me we should have a full calendar (meaning most-likely dates for the embryo transfer, which drugs I administer on which days and dates I’ll need to go to labs or to the doctor’s office in L.A. for blood tests and ultrasounds) in the next couple of days. I’d received a “happy birthday” text for “Em” last week from “the boys” and they mentioned that they’d soon be buying tickets to be out here at the end of May, so it seems the transfer will likely happen around then. The boys are hoping to be here for both their “contribution” and the transfer! Yay!!
Update: 12:03 PM
I told my new manger at work about this journey. I’m usually very upfront and open with my managers, and since this surrogacy journey will have me spending some time away from the office, I felt I needed to let him know what was going on. Other than having the traditional deer-in-the-headlights look, he took it well. Woohoo!
8th Anniversary
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
My baby girl turns 8 years old today!!
On an early Sunday morning, one week after Easter (and two weeks after my 21st birthday), my little star made her debut:
Birthday presents arrived from Missouri!
With birthday lunch and dinner today and a celebration this weekend with some girlfriends, Miss Em will enjoy a lot of special attention.
Happy birthday, sweetheart!
Right = Hard
For several months now my car has been having some issues. The tachometer needle would bounce up and down while my headlights would dim and brighten when I was driving 15 mph or less, and my engine would occasionally stop when my car came to a stop. I knew I needed maintainance, but I put it off. I was able to figure out little tricks to keep the engine running.
After another episode of engine stalling this past Sunday, I finally took it to my mechanic.
The engine problem was fixable, and during their pre-check of the car, they discovered other issues with my struts and shocks that needed work.
Even though my car is 7 years old, if I can keep it running for a good long time I am willing to do whatever is needed to get it back to “perfect,” or as close to it as possible.
I gave the mechanic the “go-ahead” to take care of all the problems, knowing that the quote he gave me would take a good chunk of money.
The hard part was realizing that if I didn’t want to pay a huge amount of interest on a credit card to pay for it, I’d have to dip into my savings (which, of course, is what savings is for). But the savings account that had the most amount of money in it was my surrogate savings, the reimbursements I’ve been receiving for the surrogacy process. I’d hoped to save that all for an eventual down payment on a house, but as owning a house is not in my near future, not even on the horizon, I made the hard decision to spend it and put the remainder of the balance on my credit card.
It was so hard to see that money go away, but I’m not in a position to be purchasing a new (or even used) car, and while the shocks and struts work could be put off, I’d rather not have to keep buying new tires for my car every year or so, either.
So I made the “adult” decision. I think it was the right decision. But it was still hard.
Glenn Grothman – Don’t stop paying attention to this man
I’ve been following the story of Wisconsin State Senator Glenn Grothman and his Senate Bill 507 past the writing of my original article. Wednesday, I listened to an interesting radio interview between Grothman and Alan Colmes (from Colmes’ Friday radio show). In it, Grothman says some pretty revealing and disparaging things about his feelings towards the intentions of single mothers (please take the time to listen if you can, but be forewarned the audio is about 13 minutes long). However, what really caught my attention was the revelation about where Grothman has been pulling his statistics from.
In the interview with Colmes, Grothman revealed that the basis for his claim that non-marital parenthood is a contributing risk factor to child abuse and neglect comes from the fourth National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect. I’m not ashamed to admit I spent my entire Wednesday reading the study. It’s a total of 455 pages, and so I tried to concentrate on the study’s executive summary and the parts of the study Grothman was pulling from.
Here are some of my conclusions from reading the entirety of the executive summary and all of sections 4 and 5 (including subsections).
Click to continue reading “Glenn Grothman – Don’t stop paying attention to this man”
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