Pain In My Soul

I’m breaking my promise. I’m a horrid person. But I cannot keep this inside. I have to write. I have to share. I have to grieve.

I honestly cannot tell you if I am still in a relationship with Brad or not. I just don’t know. It’s been 17 hours since we last spoke and 6 hours since I wrote a 2.5 page letter to him, which he has yet to acknowledge.

I over-reacted. Again. How Brad has managed to stay with me this entire time with all of my over-reactions is just amazing to me. Except that this time I may have finally pushed him away.

We had another of our disagreements. Disagreement isn’t really the right word. Misunderstanding isn’t it, either, although it did eventually turn into a misunderstanding. To put it plainly, he asked if we could help a friend. I told him my concerns but agreed to helping. Brad focused on my concern rather than my compromise and it turned into a heated discussion about my reason for attending (or not) an event with him next month.

Which turned into a disagreement about how needy I am in our relationship.

Which turned into a misunderstanding about what he meant and really said.

Which turned into me yelling at him and saying things I didn’t mean.

Which turned into me crying.

That hasn’t turned into anything else, yet. I’m still crying.

My heart is breaking because I know that we truly love each other with all of our hearts. My soul hurts because the man I’m certain I belong with for the rest of my life is hurting from the horrid words I threw at him last night. And for once I’m not over-reacting when I think that this might truly be the end of “us.”

So many times we misunderstand each other or try so hard to make the other happy at our own expense or misinterpret body language. We are so in love that we try so hard not to hurt the other, but our attempts backfire and cause more pain. We are both so afraid of the next “disagreement” that we walk on eggshells. We decide to be more open with each other. We decide to not be more open with each other. We decide to respond right away with our feelings. We decide to give each other time to figure out a rational response.

It seems we each want different things out of this relationship, but we’re so afraid of hurting the other’s feelings about it, we bottle it up. And then it explodes after the slightest tremor.

I asked a friend for an honest opinion on what seems to be happening and I received wonderful, if not painfully truthful, feedback. But the only people who can fix this are the two that are in this relationship. It seems there is no easy answer for us. And, by his silence, it seems that the answer I didn’t want is the one I’m going to get.

And it hurts. It hurts so much.

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