I am an idiot. Don’t tell me I’m not. I looked up the definition and I fit the first example. Senseless. I acted without sense. I am an idiot.
One of the few benefits to being 70 miles away from “Brad” is how we communicate on a daily basis: Twitter. Not publicly, but through the private Direct Message system. Talking this way allows both of us time to really think about our responses to questions and discussions. But in reality, when we are talking to each other face to face, we are not afforded this luxury. When I’m deep in thought about something, Brad can see it on my face and in my body language. And my thought process doesn’t work fast enough to properly put into intelligible words the rambling thoughts I’m thinking.
One of my flaws is thinking for people. I act on behalf of people when they haven’t asked me to and I make assumptions about what people want and think. Rarely do I assume that a person thinks the same way I do, so I’m usually assuming they think the opposite things I’m thinking. Basically I try to think of ways to counteract the thoughts I “know” the other person to have instead of just saying what I think and allowing them to voice their own opinion.
Which is exactly what I did yesterday. I had something I wanted to say, though I hadn’t yet figured out how I was going to say it. It was a good thing, I thought, but I didn’t want it to come out as crazy and over-stepping a line. So while I tried to figure out what exactly to say, my brain was simultaneously thinking about what Brad would say in response. And in my idiocy, I assumed his response would be negative. I started trying to figure out how to convince him to see things my way and what finally ended up coming out of my mouth (after Brad noticed something was wrong and convinced me to share with him) was something akin to “we’re moving too fast and I don’t want to screw things up.” Which was what I’d only imagined Brad saying in response to my original thought.
Somehow I managed to ramble like a person with multiple personalities and bring a dark shadow into my brain. My mood for the rest of the day was set. What the hell did I just do? I’m screwing things up without even trying. Why am I so afraid of saying what I think and allowing Brad to react his own way? Why can’t I just enjoy the precious little time we have together instead of over analyzing EVERYTHING?
Flash forward to saying goodnight and goodbye. While we waited for “Em” to get herself ready for bed, Brad and I sat in separate recliners. After I tucked her in for the night, we ended up sitting on the couch together. Because he’d mentioned needing to catch up on a lot of missed sleep, I knew Brad would be leaving soon. I didn’t want that, I wanted to be selfish and somehow convince him to stay longer. But I’d been selfish the previous week and I felt horribly guilty about it for days after. I didn’t want to do that again. Instead, I sat dreading the moment he’d finally say out loud that he was leaving. Again, instead of enjoying the moments together, I sat with a knot in my stomach, just waiting. Not wanting to feel what I was feeling, not wanting to lose focus on the fact that he was leaving any minute now and I wouldn’t see him again until Saturday. I wanted to cuddle closer to him to soak up all of him before he left. I didn’t want to cuddle because I’d rather he just go rather than drag out his leaving. I wanted to cuddle because I hoped he’d change his mind on his own.
I ended up shutting off my brain and my emotions. I sat there like a statue, trying to not feel anything at all. Not feeling had to be better than feeling something and then being left alone. I ended up rebuffing one kiss goodbye because I didn’t want to feel. I ended up lying (again) about nothing being wrong and giving a cold-fish return kiss. I ended up crying and screaming internally at myself for being such an idiot. I wished with all my heart that he wouldn’t drive away immediately, that he would knock on my door and demand I tell him what was going on. Not that it was his job to do that. I was the one that was acting like a bitch; if anyone needed to take that step forward, it was me. But I couldn’t. I didn’t think he would respond. I thought he’d just turn cold on me like I did to him. He wouldn’t do that, but that’s what I thought. Thinking gets me in trouble. I think without thinking, without sense. I am an idiot.
I sent Brad a private message saying only that I was sorry. I didn’t want to ramble even more and force him to read something he didn’t want to see. I decided that if he wanted to talk about it, he would say something in return. He sent me a single-word text message to let me know he arrived home safely. I responded with a generic comment on his travel time.
And nothing. No response to my text. No response to my private message. He probably checked my blog to see if I’d written anything while he was driving, hoping to get an idea about what the HELL was going on in my twisted mind. But I couldn’t write anything. I couldn’t see for all the tears. I couldn’t make one coherent thought come out. I was so mad at myself, all I could do was cry myself to sleep, hoping I’d have some sort of message from him when I woke up, something to let me know I hadn’t pissed him off so badly that things were beyond repair. All because I’d been too scared to say what I really wanted to say.
For the first time in weeks, neither of us left each other a “good night” message on Twitter. This alone has put me into a bigger panic over how much I screwed things up last night.
Why? WHY can’t I just appreciate what I have when I have it? Why am I so insecure about love and relationships that I hold myself back? Why am I causing myself (and no doubt Brad) so much anguish? Why do I over-think things, paralyzing myself and my relationships? Why can’t I see and acknowledge what an amazingly good person I have in my life? Why can’t I just let go and feel things as they are instead of trying to analyze each second of it?
Why can’t I just tell Brad what I’m thinking? And why can’t I say any of this to him instead of bottling it up until it explodes and makes a mess that seems too big to be able to clean up?