Running scared

I am scared.

Really scared.

Like, going through all of the worst scenarios that could possibly happen SCARED.

My daughter has a fever. It’s been over 100 degrees for the past three days and taking Tylenol only helps a little bit. This morning and yesterday morning it was 103 without the Tylenol.

And she’s not eating. Yesterday she had a granola bar. And some 7UP (trying to get her to consume some calories). This morning I gave her a bowl of dry Cheerios to munch on during the day. She took a couple bites, then turned them down, saying they tasted funny. The last time she actually ate enough food for me to consider it a meal was Friday’s lunch. Every meal since then she’s just picked at.

And she’s tired. I knew she was coming down with something when we were at Disneyland on Saturday and before it got dark she was asking to go home. That’s not like my daughter. I thought she was getting a bit better Sunday night when she smiled at a joke I made, but yesterday she pretty much slept on the couch downstairs while I was at work.

I’m going to take her to the doctor this afternoon, and I’m sure they’ll say it’s just a bug that’s going around, but I’m so scared it’s going to be something much worse. The child who’s at my house right now is not my child. She has no energy, no appetite, doesn’t even mind that she’s napping all day (she despises naps; says they’re boring). She just lays in bed or sits in her chair and stares into space or tries to read without remembering what words were on the page. And even though she knows that the Tylenol is supposed to help, she almost cries when I give it to her because she says it’s too sweet.

I’m so scared that this is something she’s not going to recover from. No improvement in the last 3 days, and no signs of improvement today. The selfish part of me isn’t sure I can handle this as a single mom. I mean, I know I’ve got my family and my church, but I’m the one covering her on insurance. There’s a $2400 deductible I have to meet before the majority of the costs are covered. I have it, but I was saving it for a house. I’m not saying I wouldn’t take it from savings to help her, but that would be a major setback for us when she gets better. I feel like I am forced to take 3 steps back for every 1/2 step I take forward.

And if she doesn’t get better, I don’t know what I’m going to do. She’s my angel. I know I bitch a lot about being a single parent, but she’s my whole life, and I can’t even imagine my life without her. And yet, that’s all I can focus on today – the ‘what if’ she doesn’t get better.

I’m just so scared for her. And I’m scared for me.

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