As earlier promised, I am no longer publishing posts about my relationship with Brad. While this post has Brad’s name tagged in it, is categorized under “Dating” (among others) and I briefly mention him and a recent issue, this post is about me – not us.
I recently almost destroyed my relationship with Brad. We are on the mend after quite a few long days of talking about what happened, discussing how to move forward and taking things one step at a time.
I became angry over something he did, grew silent in my fury, eventually threw out hurtful accusations and cried burning tears as I watched my relationship deteriorate.
All because of a lack of trust. A lack of trust on my part.
Eight months I’ve been with this wonderful man and I still have yet to learn to trust him. He has done nothing to destroy my trust. He has been kind and patient through all the garbage I’ve given him. I’m no good with math, but probably 90% of the troubles we have had come from me, and about 75% of those can be attributed to my lack of trust.
Little by little the trust I’ve given to people close to me has been ripped apart. It started with a husband who (among other things earlier in the marriage) surprised me on our 3rd wedding anniversary with a request for a divorce. Later, a friend who’d become as close to me as a sister abruptly stopped talking to me and left my life after a small disagreement we had. Then it was a boyfriend who returned home from a trip with a confession that he’d kissed another girl. Child-less girlfriends stopped including me in nights out. People in leadership roles abused their power with the mantra of “ask later for forgiveness.”
I’ve learned to rely on very few people for very little. And now this beautiful creature is placed in my life and I’m having to re-learn how to trust him. I can’t count how many times I’ve apologized to him for screwing things up. I’m sure I sound like a broken record by now, saying I’m sorry, that I’m trying so hard, that I’ll do better next time, that I’m learning.
But I’m so scared. Scared of truly opening up and being myself. Because I’ve lost people who weren’t happy with who I was. And I know - I KNOW – that I’m not supposed to care about people who don’t like me for who I am. But I let them get close to me, I let them in my heart and they blasted their way out. I’m still mending the holes they left behind. It’s no easy task, just as I’m sure it’s not easy to watch and wait as the person you love learns to live, trust and love again.
It’s instinct now for me to look for the worst-case scenarios in my life and relationships. It’s worked for a long time, protecting my heart. But it’s not helping me now.
I’m trying. Really I am. It just takes time.
Today I have the privilege of introducing to you my first guest post on Single Mom Sanctuary. The writer of this post is a good friend of mine whom I met through my sister.
Today a friend of mine, a pastor in Arizona, posted on my Facebook page a link to an article on the Huffington Post. The subject of the article enraged me and immediately I took to writing a post on my blog. I could not get the thoughts in my head onto the computer fast enough. The author of the post below saw the link my friend posted and I offered to have her write what SHE had to say about it. I ask you to read and share this (and my) post even if you aren’t a single parent.
To Senator Grothman, in the words of Lily Allen, F*ck You (warning: explicit language)
Wisconsin State Senator Glenn Grothman’s political record reads like an SNL parody of the GOP. If his stances on kindergarten, the celebration of Kwanza, and his belief that sex education is apart of the liberal agenda to make more children homosexual weren’t bad enough, he has now introduced SB507 to the Wisconsin Senate floor – and single parents (as well as citizens and parents of other varieties) are up in arms over it.
On it’s surface a bill that refines what the contributing risk factors to child abuse are doesn’t sound so vitriol as to leave single parents sputtering in disbelief. So what makes SB507 so enraging that the single mother writing this article literally spit all over her monitor in an embarrassing display of barely controlled rage? The fifteen words tacked onto the end of two proposed amendments.
The full amendments read as follows:
Section 1. 48.982 (2) (g) 2. of the statutes is amended to read: 48.982 (2) (g) 2. Promote statewide educational and public awareness campaigns and materials for the purpose of developing public awareness of the problems of child abuse and neglect. (Writer’s note: Hey this sounds great so far!) In promoting those campaigns and materials, the board shall emphasize nonmarital parenthood as a contributing factor to child abuse and neglect.
Section 2. 48.982 (2) (g) 4. of the statutes is amended to read:
48.982 (2) (g) 4. Disseminate information about the problems of and methods of preventing child abuse and neglect to the public and to organizations concerned with those problems. In disseminating that information, the board shall emphasize nonmarital parenthood as a contributing factor to child abuse and neglect.
Wait, did I read that correctly? Is this oddly phrased legalese that I just misunderstood? Let’s read that last part again.
“the board shall emphasize nonmarital parenthood as a contributing factor to child abuse and neglect.”
I have to stop right here for a moment and let that sink in for you. EMPHASIZE [...] AS A CONTRIBUTING FACTOR. That is added as an amendment to not just one, but two current statutes in Wisconsin law. Senator Grothman’s proposed SB507 claims and wants to enforce the “fact” that nonmarital (also said as SINGLE) parenthood is a contributing factor to child abuse and neglect.
Let me get this straight. ANY nonmarried parent, merely by existing, is a contributing factor to the same child abuse that occurs when children are beaten, malnourished, sexually assaulted, etc. What??
Let’s put aside how preposterous it is to say that being divorced puts you on par with pedophiles and look at all the other ways a parent might become single.
Abandonment – We all know at least one person who’s child has a single parent because one parent packed their bags and flew into the night with no explanation or warning. Partner bails on you suddenly and out of nowhere sometime during the course of pregnancy or child rearing? According to Senator Grothman, you’re now a child abuser! (If you don’t know such a person, you do now – this is why my son has a single mother.)
Death – One spouse dies. DIES. Divorce doesn’t occur, no one is selfish and flees, someone unfortunately and tragically passes away. According to Senator Grothman, if you get sick and pass away unexpectedly not only does this automatically turn your surviving spouse into a child abuser, I’m inclined to assume it means he thinks you’re an asshole for dying. (Blog owner’s commentary: Does Senator Grothman then think that all widows and widowers of service personell who have died for our country are abusers??)
There was never another parent to begin with – If an adoption agency has cleared and vetted a single person for adoption (granted this is extremely rare, but does happen), does Senator Grothman think that the agency that charged exorbitant amounts of money to run psychological and background checks on this parent were somehow completely wrong and adopted a child out to an abuser?
I can barely even address the incredulity of claiming parents who become single via divorce become child abusers automatically. This one so clearly and obviously does not have a cause and effect relationship on child abuse that to even point out WHY it’s a blatant lie would cause several of my IQ points to cry out in despair as they shrivel up and evaporate out of my brain.
Setting aside the absurdity of these claims, let’s ask why we should even be taking advice on how to reduce child abuse from Senator Grothman: As far as I can tell from my research, Senator Grothman has absolutely ZERO experience with the issue of child abuse. I mentioned he had some terrible opinions on kindergarten at the beginning of this post. He also believes in defunding anti-smoking campaigns. I say this as a smoker myself – what you put into your body is your business. Period. But even I don’t want to defund anti-smoking campaigns because I don’t think you should be allowed to smoke inside a crowded family restaurant (you’re no longer putting it into just your body at that point). I certainly can’t say someone who thinks smoking in restaurants and businesses should still be legal has earned any right to call himself a crusader for the children.
My brain wants to reject that this man could possibly be real; that he isn’t indeed really some Orwellian character, pounding his chest and crying out “slavery is freedom!” with trembling jowls. To say I am offended by his stance would be an insult to your intellect.
I’m tired. I’m tired of constantly being assaulted by Neanderthals posing as political leaders who want to scream and rage and howl about social issues that aren’t ACTUALLY ISSUES. (And don’t even get me started on how spit-raving mad I am over the whole Limbaugh calling birth control using women sluts who should post videos of themselves having sex online so he can see issue). These are the same men (and women) who campaigned in 2010 on a platform of how terrible Obama was at fixing the unemployment rate in the country? Where are their solutions? Why are they wasting our time with legislation amendments that effectively criminalize being a single parent?
Senator Grothman, a few words: The day you start raising a child all by yourself is the day you can start pointing fingers at the evils of single parenthood. Until then you, and politicians like you, can step off and get the f*** out of my uterus, out of my bedroom, out of my marriage (or lack-thereof), and out of motherhood.
I’ll leave you with a few song lyrics from a man who understood the plight of the single mother:
You know it makes me unhappy (what’s that)
When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it’s time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don’t we’ll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can’t make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you’re fed up ladies, but keep your head up
To all the ladies havin babies on they own
I know it’s kinda rough and you’re feelin all alone
Daddy’s long gone and he left you by ya lonesome
Thank the Lord for my kids, even if nobody else want em
Cause I think we can make it, in fact, I’m sure
And if you fall, stand tall and comeback for more
Cause ain’t nuttin worse than when your son
wants to kno why his daddy don’t love him no mo’
You can’t complain you was dealt this
hell of a hand without a man, feelin helpless
Because there’s too many things for you to deal with
Dying inside, but outside you’re looking fearless
While tears, is rollin down your cheeks
Ya steady hopin things don’t all down this week
Cause if it did, you couldn’t take it
-Tupac Shakir, Keep Ya Head Up
Tanya is currently recovery from a nasty battle with Transverse Myelitis and maintains the assertion that her legs are on unpaid leave and will be fired as soon as they return from holiday. She has been fluent in sarcasm since she was old enough to annoy all the adults at the Christmas party with questions that were “too smart for her own good”. When she isn’t spending her free time enjoying Dr. Who and other sci-fi, she designs witty literature themed posters for sale through her store on Etsy. She moved to Colorado from Orange County in 2007 and currently resides in Colorado Springs with her beautiful four-year old son and amazing boyfriend.
Dear Senator Grothman,
How dare you?!?
How dare you insinuate that I am exposing my child to abuse and neglect? How dare you suggest that my very existence is sending my daughter down a road that will negatively impact her life forever? How dare you accuse me of becoming a single mother for the financial benefits?!?
Senate Bill 507, your bill, wants to declare me a monster to the public. Your bill wants to have the state government and the general public look at me as if I had been found guilty in a child abuse case. Your bill wants to designate me as a “contributing factor to child abuse and neglect.”
What have I done to make you single me out as a public nuisance and potential criminal?
Is it because I’m a single mother?
Do you know why I’m a single mother, Senator Grothman?
I’m a single mother because my now-ex-husband and I decided to divorce 3 years (to the day) after we got married, 1 year and 3 months after our daughter was born.
So, because my ex-husband doesn’t love me the way he did the day we said “I do,” I’m automatically on the watch-list for being an abusive mother and a neglectful parent?
What have I done that is considered abusive or neglectful?
Is it the fact that my mother picks her up from school every day and keeps her in a warm, safe, friendly environment?
Is it because I let her read books 2 levels above her grade because she can and wants to??
Perhaps I shouldn’t teach her how to respect her elders by having her sit quietly in bible study classes at my church when there isn’t a babysitter available?
Maybe I shouldn’t have let her read scripture at the lectern in one Sunday morning worship because it could teach her how to be an exceptional leader and speaker?
And what financial benefits of being a single mom am I missing out on? I’ve already looked at low-income housing when my daughter and I moved into our first apartment: I make too much money (wait for it…). I looked into a Habitat for Humanity house that we could help build and move in to: I make too little money (there it is). The only “benefit” I get (if you can call it that) is a very small amount of child support from my ex-husband; it’s small because I work more hours than he does, make more per hour than he does and my annual income is 10% more than the median income in the state my husband resides. All told, the support my ex-husband has been ordered to pay is less than 1/4 of the living expenses I pay just to keep a roof our daughter’s head. According to the California Department of Housing and Community Development I am considered “lower income,” and yet nothing designated to low-income families is available to me.
My daughter goes to public school; I drive her there and my mother picks her up. My daughter is enrolled in the before-school care and buys lunches at school occasionally; I do not qualify for subsidy for either of these.
I work full-time for a Fortune 500 insurance company, pay for my medical insurance, contribute to my 401(k) and participate in the Employee Stock Purchase Plan.
I pay my taxes on time. I give regularly to my church. I donate blood. Hell, I’ve even given away a kidney!
So remind me again how I’m a tax on the community, city, county and state?
I am appalled and disgusted at your Senate Bill and at the fact that you think that I, a single mother, am adding a significant risk of abuse and neglect to my daughter.