Tag Archives: ex-husband

Too Many Emotions, Not Enough Time

I try so hard not to delve into specifics about our relationship troubles here, but as I explained to Brad last night, this blog is my therapy, my outlet. It’s how I connect to my friends and family, it’s how I gain and share insight into the crazy life that is single parenthood.

 

Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance. In no particular order, though the way I listed them is the commonly referred-to order, are the stages of grief. Everyone spends different amounts of time in those stages, some skip right over a stage or two. But no one is wrong about how long they stay in a particular stage or which ones they go back to.

I was in denial for a very long time, it’s what contributed to this problem going on for so long. Monday was anger: anger at Brad, anger at myself, anger at the whole situation in general. Tuesday I moved into depression, certain (as I always seem to be during these moments) that this was the end. Yesterday I moved into bargaining, kind of. It wasn’t so much a “I’ll give you this if you’ll give me that” but more like pleading with Brad and with myself to dig deeper, to try to find something we can hold onto while we try to figure out if we should continue trying.

Today I moved back into anger. Anger at myself for ignoring the big items every couple needs to discuss before getting too serious. You know, the important things like how long we each want to wait before (or if we even should) moving in together, how long we each want to wait before we get married, if we want to have kids or not, where we should live. The BIG stuff. Things that we should have talked about in-depth before we got this far. Some of these things we talked about earlier on in the relationship, but I was so afraid that my absolutes would contradict Brad’s absolutes, that I refrained from saying the whole truth. And I’m so mad at myself for that!

I’m mad at Brad today, too, because I don’t feel continuing this conversation is important to him. I understand that he is busy with work, that his job requires a lot more of his time and attention right now, so I know why we’re not talking right now. But a little acknowledgement that he’s seen/read my message and will get back to me when he has time would be nice. But what I’m really angry about is that he has plans tonight that conflict with continuing our conversation. Plans that were made DURING our talk last night! I’m so fed up with being pushed to the sidelines. Of course, I told him this in my last message to him, but I’ve received no acknowledgement, no, “Hey, I’m busy, can we talk about this when we both have a lunch break?” No response.

We both speak a different language. I’ve read the Love Languages book and understand what language I speak and which language I need to hear, but I cannot figure him out. Our languages are so different, the way we cope with things is so different that we infuriate the other with our processing.

We are not compatible. Or, at least, we cannot see how we are compatible and how we need to focus on that.

My feelings are bouncing from hysteria at the thought of losing him to anger/frustration and wanting to just throw in the towel now to anger at myself for letting this go on so long when clearly it’s not working to hysteria again. I can’t focus on much else.

I feel like the decision we’ll make will be made shortly, though I do not know it’s ETA. I’m feeling so much all at once and I don’t know which emotion to trust.

What do you do when you’re not sure you can stay with the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

To The Man Who Demands It All

“Jake,”

I’m writing in the hopes that you will understand how important gymnastics is to Em. NOT to me, to our daughter.

Em has been taking gymnastics classes for a little over 1 year. It started out as a gift from my parents, a trial summer once-a-week-class to see if she enjoyed it. Em loved it SO much she dropped dance in favor of twice-weekly sessions. She learned quickly and worked extra on her own at home and at my parents’ house to improve her skills. This fall she was invited to compete in 3 competitions. At her current level, the gymnasts are awarded ribbons of color instead of the standard number score you see in televised meets. There were 5 different colored ribbons you could earn based on the individual’s performance and execution of the apparatus: rainbow ribbon was the best, pink 2nd, purple 3rd, blue 4th and green 5th. Out of three competitions with 4 apparatus at each, Em earned 6 purple ribbons, 4 pink ribbons and 2 rainbow ribbons! Her personal best was the rainbow ribbon she earned for her beam routine at her final competition which was an improvement from the purple she earned at the first competition! She was so excited and proud of herself for earning that ribbon!

I’ve attached videos of each of her apparatus, the best of all three competitions.

Em has been invited to move up to the next level, almost tripling the amount of time she currently spends in the gym and making her eligible for competitions with formal numbered scoring. Em knows how much time and work this will take, but she wants to do it. Please reconsider your request to have her with you all summer vacation. There are intensive gymnastics camps that are available during the summer that really help the gymnasts to grow and strengthen their skills. While attending both camps is not mandatory, attending at least one is recommended. If Em cannot attend an intensive camp, it can really set her back among her peers, increasing the amount of work she has to put in to catch up to their level and decreases the likelihood that she’ll be invited to more competitions.

I ask you to talk to Em about her gymnastics the next time you two speak on the phone. Listen to the excitement in her voice when she talks about what she’s learning. And if possible, ask her to show you IN PERSON what she can do when she visits this Christmas. Some of the things she can do, like back walkovers, she learned outside of the gym; many of her peers in her level cannot do that yet.

Em knows that I am sending you this email with the videos, so be sure to tell her if you enjoyed watching them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I Look Confused

Every summer I take a day off. It always happens the day after “Em” leaves with “Jake” for her visitation with him. I never know how I’m gonna feel the day after she leaves, so I play it safe and remove myself from normal life just in case I’m not a pleasant person to be around. Sometimes I’m fine, sometimes I’m a wreck. This time, I’m walking around with a frozen look of confusion.

Jake planned to attend Em’s dance recital Sunday afternoon and then leave immediately after to start their 18 hour drive to his house. While I was in worship he sent me a text asking if we could talk alone before he left with Em. Uh oh.

We talked during intermission at the recital. He commented on my weight loss (woohoo!) and told me that he’s working on his weight since we was just diagnosed as having…

He couldn’t get the word right. It took a few tries before I finally just made a guess based on the number of syllables. Diverticulitis? Yup, that’s the one. Something about the way he couldn’t even get the right sounds to come out makes me doubt this. Just another drama attempt to make me care. Nice.

Then the real talk started. He’s gonna have a little boy soon. The woman is in her third trimester and he didn’t want to say anything to Em until it was closer. He and the woman were gonna live in her grandparents’ house, but that fell through when her brother was caught spending the grandparents’ Social Security checks at the nearest casino. So Jake is still living with his folks. I noticed that there was no ring on his finger and he didn’t mention impending nuptials, so as far as I can tell it’s nothing more than he’s having another kid.

Although, it does sort of explain why he’s stayed with his current employer for such a long time. Other than the Marine Corps, he’s not had a job for more than a few months at a time for the last 7 years.

And here is where my confusion set in:

WHY is he just now deciding that he needs to man up and provide for his kid(s)? He’s had a PHENOMENAL kid for 7 years and it takes an illegitimate kid (not judging, just a truthful statement) to kick his ass into gear?

If this upcoming child is enough to make Jake focus on “making good,” will he try to “start over” with junior and leave Em in his wake?

Or will we truly see a change in him for the better?

So confused. And trying not to focus on the “what-ifs” my mind is coming up with at record speed.