Tag Archives: pain

The Little Lie

I do my best to remain truthful in all aspects of my life, including avoiding “white lies.” My non-essential memory bank tends to resemble room temperature Swiss cheese: little holes where things can just slip through and the rest is kinda gummy that holds on tightly to things that land on it. Phone numbers for elementary-school friends are in the gummy section, lies easily fall through the holes. Aside from the generic “Okay” response to the person in the elevator that asks how I’m doing, I try to remain honest.

But there’s this little lie I’ve been telling people I don’t know well, mostly people in my office building. I’ve been telling this little lie for a few months and I’ve told it twice today.

Twice today two people who don’t know each other told me at different times of the day that my pants are looking like they’re going to fall off. I replied, as I do anytime someone says something like that, with, “Oh, thank you,” kinda blushed a little and tried to avoid their eyes… because I knew what they were going to say next and I knew I was going to tell them a lie.

“How are you losing weight?” or “What’s your secret?”

Because people in my office don’t need to know the intimate details of my mind or emotions, because people in my office don’t know anything about me aside from my typing speed, because I know my voice will catch and my eyes will start to water, because I know the truth hurts me more than the lie hurts them… I lie.

“Oh, just paying closer attention to what I eat.”

Because people in my office don’t need to know that break-up depression is affecting my appetite. Because people in my office don’t need to know that I’ll be hungry, start to cook something, and then remember how he liked it or how he’d put red pepper flakes all over it or that he didn’t like it, and suddenly my heart is in my throat making it hard to swallow, my stomach is churning and threatening nausea, my mind is rapidly running down guilt-trip lane and I can’t think about food anymore.

Because people in my office don’t need to know that break-up depression is the most effective diet I’ve been on in years.

Because people in my office don’t need to know this, I tell a little lie.

I’m Happy That I’m Sad

Can you really mourn over something that is not really lost? Can you miss something if you never even had it in the first place?

A couple of weeks ago I made a new friend. I wrote about him before but I didn’t want to say too much because I wasn’t sure if our budding friendship was really going to make a difference in my life. I had hoped it would. I think he had, too. At least, I hope he had.

But life has taken a different turn for him. He’s moving out of state and so I won’t have a chance to get to know him like I wanted. I’m happy for the opportunity he will have because of this move but I’m sad for me. We really connected the first time we met and I was looking forward to adding to my small collection of friends that I truly form a bond with. And, I’m not afraid to say, I had hoped that our friendship would blossom into something more.

It’s strange, feeling this sense of loss over something that was never really mine. We had a wonderful night of conversation and clicking and laughing. But that’s all it really was. One night of marvelous conversation over drinks. And yet — I’m sad.

He gave me hope. Hope that I might finally leave this depression and loneliness and feeling of unworthiness behind me. Hope that I might someday again truly connect with someone on a deeper level. Hope that there really is someone out there that wants to be with me. Hope that someday someone will see that the broken parts of me are still a beautiful part of the whole and will love me for who I am, not just for who they think I could be. Hope that I won’t be alone for the rest of my life.

I mourn and embrace my loss of the possibility of his presence in my life because in his kind words and acceptance I could forget my pain. I could be me again.

That one night changed me inside more than I thought would be possible anytime soon.

And for that I am grateful to him.

To my “ugly duckling”: thank you. I wish you could know the measure of the tremendous and wonderful impact you have had on my life.

DietBet – Week 2, Day 3

Feeling discouraged today. I did my Jillian Michaels¬†“Ripped in 30” workout yesterday and tried my best to do the “running man” and “butt kicks” exercises. And now I’m paying for it in my knees. That plus today’s lovely weather, my knees are NOT happy with me. Next on the list is grocery shopping after work, so no heart-racing cardio for me. THEN I’m going out to dinner with my family because my mom’s older brother and his wife are in town. So no exercise plus my normal work snack/meals leaves me with 506 calories for dinner. No bueno.

This weekend will prove challenging as well. Theater tickets Friday night means no cardio workout after work; I’m hoping to at least get my walks in on my breaks and lunch to makeup for it. Saturday is my grandfather’s memorial service with reception to follow. Not sure what will be available for snacking, so I might have to bring something with me, as tacky as that is. Sunday night is a potluck with comfort food, so I’m bringing some sort of salad that I can eat. And with Brad in town this weekend and church things on Sunday, I’m not sure I’ll get in a decent workout.

On the positive side, I’m finally losing weight. I’m not down below my starting weight for the DietBet game I created, but I am below my starting weight on another game I joined that started this week!

 

Stats:

Weigh-in weight: 168.8 lbs/170.2
Current weight: 169.4 lbs
% weight gained or lost: +0.3%/-0.4%
Inches lost: 5.8
Time spent exercising: 517 minutes

 

I may need to skip strength training tomorrow and just do cardio, though I’ll have to see how my knees are feeling. Next week my Zumba days with my girlfriend will be Monday and Friday, and except for occasional things like church board meetings and Friday nights out, we should be able to stick to that schedule.