Thanks, Brain

Things were going well. We’d been exchanging messages back and forth for nearly two weeks. He was cute and funny. He asked to meet me just as I was about to do the same. I asked for his phone number so we could text and not rely on the sometimes-glitchy dating system. He sent me his phone number and his Twitter handle.

Which seemed oddly familiar. It was just a couple of letters off from one of his friend’s handles. But that can happen when you’re talking to a guy who is into video games; many people share an interest in the same gaming characters. But then I checked the description.

“HAHAHA! F*CKED!”

I sent a message to a different friend of his telling him that this was crossing the line. He told me that he missed me. I responded in kind and he came into the room and kissed me.

Seriously, what is WRONG with my brain? It’s not enough that I struggle during the day with this, I have to dream about it, too? Dream about things that my conscious self knows will never happen, good or bad? I know I’m still angry about the “friend” that hacked my blog, but it’s one heck of a stretch to think that another “friend” would create a fake profile on a dating site and trick me. It’s another stretch to think that he misses me, would just randomly show up and all would be well again.

I have no reason to think that his feelings about all of this – and about me – have changed. And I can’t allow myself to think that the apology I sent him would change anything. At least not in my waking state.

But it’s there, nonetheless, waiting for me to let down my guard and finally stop resisting the sleep I need.

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