The waterworks have stopped. I can sing along to my “Jar of Hearts” station on Pandora without sobbing halfway through each song. I fall asleep a little easier each night. I no longer feel I share a sisterly bond/life-path with Rachel on Friends.
But I don’t feel much beyond that. I go through each day knowing that the next day will be pretty much the same as the last. I don’t look forward to starting my day and I long for the moment I can lay my head down on my pillow and shut out the world. I’m not ready to find the joy in normal moments, but I know I will someday. Right now I’m just glad that the pain has dulled to an ache that is ever-present but not knocking me over every time I see something that reminds me of him, of us.
And though some friends have told me that I’ll get over it, that it’s just a temporary feeling, I know that I won’t be dating again. I’d pretty much given up on romantic relationships before I started dating Brad; I’d been on a few dates but didn’t meet anyone I wanted to pursue and I’d taken myself off all the dating websites. It was pure luck that I met him and felt a chemistry I hadn’t felt in a very long time. But that’s all it was – luck. In my job, it’s pretty impossible to meet people I’d want to date and raising Em doesn’t leave much wiggle room for nights out with strange guys. And, honestly, I just don’t have the energy to start again. I’m okay with that. Maybe when Em’s grown I’ll put myself out there. But for now, it’s not worth the effort and pain.
And after dating Adam and Brad, I’ve seen how hard it is on Em to lose another man in my/her life. I don’t want to put her through that again. I feel guilty for her witnessing the tears I’ve been wiping away and the hurt I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to hide until she’s asleep. I need to focus my energy on her; she has a lot going on and she needs more of my attention.