Yesterday I hit a quasi-state of acceptance. While I still cannot accept that Brad and I are unable to work out our differences, I have to accept that he will never want to try.
Most of my heartache comes from feeling desperate to do anything to repair the relationship we had, but my pleas have gone unacknowledged. I have to accept that Brad no longer wants to pursue a relationship with me and that’s that. To chase him any further could cross the line into obsession and stalking – and that’s not healthy for me or our potential future friendship.
So while I’m still upset and hurting, trying to figure out what I could have done differently, I’m not going to try any of those ideas. No longer will I check Facebook Messages to see if he’s finally replied to my last message to him. No longer will I check my blog stats to see if he read my latest post. No longer will I hope that every sleek, black car I see on the road might be his. No longer will I dream that he will just appear on my doorstep one evening and sweep me off my feet with a kiss that says he loves me and that promises we will try harder and we will make this work. None of these things will help me to move forward in my life.
It takes two people to make a relationship work and if only one person wants it, there’s nothing that can really be done. I can’t keep doing this to myself, wishing and hoping and praying that he will finally decide to take me back.
I have to move on. Even though I don’t think I have much of a (romantic) future ahead of me, I have to focus on Em and her future.
I don’t really know what the next step is, but staying right where I am isn’t going to help.