The Post That Almost Wasn’t (AKA This Is How I Feel)

This blog has always been my personal diary. Yes it’s public, but it’s personal. About me. My thoughts, my dreams, my fears. I write when I want to and I don’t write when I don’t have anything worthwhile to say. Many times I’ve debated in my head about what I should or should not write about, worrying that someone’s perception of me will negatively change due to a particular post. Ultimately I reassure myself that I’m not that special, that I’m not that profound or insulting to make someone like or dislike me because of my writing. I am me. And this blog is me. And, for the most part, this blog is for me. Like an ever-growing memoir that I’ll be able to read when I’m losing my mental faculties and cannot remember who I used to be.

And so I write this post. For me.

 

I don’t think the embryo transfer last week worked. I have nothing concrete in front of me to suggest this. It’s just a feeling. Like when I had a feeling I was pregnant with my daughter at least a week before I missed my period. My breasts weren’t tender, I wasn’t sick, I just felt different. I cannot explain it to anyone because I don’t even know how I knew I was pregnant. I just felt different. I wasn’t far along in my pregnancy then, probably only a couple of weeks. I called my doctor’s office to set an appointment to come in. They wouldn’t let me make an appointment for a pregnancy test until a home kit showed positive. I went to the grocery store and called the doctor’s office back 5 minutes later when the home kit showed those two lines. I just knew.

I don’t feel different now. It’s like the embryo transfer never happened. My breasts have been sore for weeks thanks to the lovely shots I’ve been on. My face isn’t breaking out thanks to the lovely shots I’ve been on; when I was pregnant with “Em,” I had acne like I was 13 again! The home kits I’ve been using this week don’t show that glorious second line.

I know it’s early. I am currently 8dp5d (8 days post 5-day-old-embryo transfer); the embryo is now 13 days old, but I’ve only had it for 8 days, if it’s still there. It’s early. I know. In the support group I’ve joined on Facebook, everyone tells me it’s early. One woman told me she didn’t get a positive until 10 days after her transfer, and yet another woman got a positive 7 days after. So I’m in between those…

But the lack of the second line and the lack of feeling I had last time make me think I’m not pregnant. Even the BETA (blood) test later this week could be misleading. Some women have incredibly high numbers and know immediately that they are pregnant, and still others have a low number from their first BETA and a very high number from their second BETA.

And I know that if I’m not pregnant I’ll have another transfer, but I still feel depressed. I feel ashamed, like my body didn’t hold up our end of the bargain. I’m young. I had no trouble getting pregnant with my daughter; in fact, I got pregnant faster than I wanted. Sure, we were trying to get pregnant, but we didn’t think it’d happen the month after skipping my Depo shot; we were told it could take 6-9 months to conceive. When “Dr. Singer” did my ultrasound 2 weeks ago, my uterine lining was thick enough for him to proceed with the transfer. My hormone levels have been right where they should be. I’ve been taking my shots and prenatal vitamins the way I was told.

So what went wrong? What did I do to make this transfer fail?

I know, I know. I don’t know that I’m not pregnant, it’s just that the home kits aren’t detecting enough HCG to show that second line. And I know, I know, it’s not that I did something wrong or didn’t so something right. Sometimes IVF fails. If  it failed.

But I still feel like it’s my fault. I still feel like a failure. I’m still jealous of the women in my support group who are seeing positives on their home kits before their BETAs. I still don’t feel pregnant.

It’s not fair.

And that’s how I feel.

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