We Can Do This

I’m scared.

Scared out of my mind that we will not recover from this. I’m scared of living my life without you in it. You are my best friend. I always feel like I should tell you everything. But I get scared that things like this will happen when I tell you my truest feelings. I think I’m afraid of my feelings. I’m afraid of getting hurt again. Not hurt by these arguments but I’m scared of a deep hurt if you leave. I’m afraid of being completely honest with you because it’s caused us so much stress many times. I’ve loved you since the first time I met you. Not as deeply as I do now, but something inside of me knew that we belonged together.

I believe my friend was right when she said that we both have a tremendous amount of love for each other. I think perhaps we are afraid of that love. Afraid that it’s progressed too quickly and too deeply. We’ve both become so afraid of the potential for more pain we have become hesitant to show our love for one another.

I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. That scares the crap out of me! I was so hurt and scarred by the end of my marriage that I never thought I would ever love somebody the way I love you or have their love in return. I did not think I was capable of that kind of love and I never thought that I would deserve it. I spent so many years alone that I just gave up on thinking that I could ever truly love someone again, trust them implicitly, and give my whole self to them. Feeling the way I do about you scares me because I don’t want to lose that, I don’t want to lose you. Your love for me through all of the good and bad times we have had has shown me that I am not only capable of loving you that much in return but that I am worthy of your affection. I mean it as a compliment when I say that I am no longer in awe of you, I no longer consider you better than me. I finally feel that I am your equal, that I deserve your love. We both deserve to be happy with each other. We need to be more expressive of our love.

I need you to show me your love. Not in grand, sweep me off my feet displays, but little things. Kisses on my forehead, cheek or lips whenever you feel like I need it, when you feel like you need it, or just because. Flowers not just because you’re sorry or because it’s a special day, but just because. Hold my hand because you want to. Tell me I’m beautiful when I’ve dressed up, when I’m in my regular clothes, when I’m having a “fat day” and I feel none of my clothes fit. Cook me dinner. Surprise me.

I love that you will spontaneously tell me you love me. I love that you make the bed or move the couch back where it belongs or help me clean the dishes after dinner. I love that you cuddle with me as we watch a movie on my incredibly too small, uncomfortable couch. I love that smile on your face when you bend down to kiss me. I love that you laugh at me when I feel bad that you “die” in a video game. I love that when we say goodnight you tell me that you will talk to me in the morning. I love that you get along so well with my daughter, share in my parenting frustrations and don’t correct people when they assume that she is yours. I love that you enjoy spending time with my family. I love that you drive a 140-mile round trip to see me each weekend.

I have faith that we can make this work. We need to listen to each other more, accept the compromises the other makes and not make the other’s feelings a dismissal of our own. If we ask each other for their honest answer, we need to accept it and not try to make the other feel they like they gave the wrong answer. We will disagree on things in the future, but rather than take it as a personal assault, we need to acknowledge our differences, take a little time to see if we can come to an agreement and not get upset if we cannot find an agreeable compromise. Sometimes things just won’t fit our schedules or one of us won’t be comfortable with a situation. And that’s OK. We need to not look at that as a failure of ourselves or our relationship, we need to deal with it gracefully, accept the other’s feelings about it, acknowledge that it didn’t work, learn from it and move on to the next part of our lives.

We can do this. We have focused so much on how our past solutions didn’t work. Perhaps they were more complicated than they should have been and we set ourselves up for failure. Perhaps we didn’t give them enough time and trial to really see results. We want to fix this, we want to avoid these situations as much as possible. That speaks for the hope that we both have for this relationship. We’ve not given up yet, we’re still willing to try.

We can do this.

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