What I Destroyed

I keep thinking there’s something I could have said or could have done that would convince Brad to give our relationship one more chance. There is so much I miss about us.

I miss holding his hand in the car on his gear shift.

I miss waking up next to him Sunday mornings.

I miss saying good morning to him. I miss talking to him throughout the day about silly things or unimportant things or big things. I miss staying up past my bedtime talking to him because I couldn’t get enough. I miss telling him good night and I love you and I’ll talk to you in the morning.

I miss standing on a curb at Disneyland just so I could kiss him without having to stand so high on my toes and without him having to bend down so far just to reach my lips. I miss going on The Haunted Mansion with him because when it was just him and me, we never watched the ride.

I miss cuddling up on the couch watching a movie together, just being comfortable and completely relaxed in his arms.

I miss talking about video games and trying to beat each other’s score or helping each other pass a certain level.

I miss him holding me when I was crying just because I was pregnant. I miss him holding me when I was crying because my grandfather died. I miss him holding me when I was crying because the boys and ChloƩ left.

He was there when ChloĆ© was born, holding my hand and helping me to push during the delivery. And the love I felt in that moment opened my heart and my mind to the idea of possibly having his children, too. He stayed with me in the hospital, sleeping in an uncomfortable chair just so I wouldn’t be alone.

He would always make the bed.

I miss him putting red pepper flakes all over his food and teasing Em, jokingly threatening to put them on her food, too.

I miss him discussing with Em the finer points of My LIttle Pony and I miss trying to find little My Little Pony or Harley Quinn memes or trinkets just because I knew it would make him happy, because it would make him smile.

I miss the way he would laugh every. single. time. I said “Award Wieners.”

I miss showing him new things about Southern California or Disneyland. I miss his excitement at the thought of going to Disneyland for a couple of hours just because we could, because it was so close.

On our first date he took me to a music store and practically shoved me into the record section because he knew how much I love vinyl records.

He would bring me flowers just because. Just because he thought I deserved them. Just because it would make me smile.

After our second date we went to a 4th of July party with a bunch of our friends from church. I remember being so excited and nervous because no one knew we were dating each other. We hadn’t told anyone who it was we were each seeing. He complimented me on the dress I was wearing and how good I looked in it. I melted right there. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t move. All I could do was stare into his eyes and think oh my god.

One of his first surprises for me was tickets to go see Les Miserables at the performing arts center in his town. He knew nothing about the book or the play – all he knew was that I loved it and he wanted to see the look on my face when I found out where we were going.

He put up with so much during those first few months because of the pregnancy hormones and the shots I had to take. On our second date he wanted to know so much about the surrogacy process. He was so interested and curious. I swear I did almost all of the talking that night. And I hated myself at the end of the night when I realized he had reached out to hold my hand as we walked back to the car and I missed it! I was focused on something else and when I realized what he was doing it was too late, the moment was gone.

I love that he willingly wore a ring my grandfather had made at his memorial service. I think my grandfather would have liked Brad. The sense of humor that he has, the polite upbringing he has, the way he smells – everything was so familiar and comfortable. The last time I saw my grandfather alive, Brad drove down to be with me. He let me just sit in his arms on the couch and cry, every so often talking about something my grandfather had done, a habit he had or something he’d taught me. And he was still there with me when I learned that night that my grandfather had passed on. He gave me such comfort, letting me mourn however I needed to, not asking anything of me, just accepting me for the mess that I was.

I miss laughing with him about how much more of L.A. he knew than I did even though he’s only been out here for a few years and I’ve lived in Southern California all my life. I miss him taking me to various places because he just knew that I would love them.

I was so embarrassed and yet so happy when in the beginning of our relationship, when we finally made our relationship public, he would tell me that one of his friends just had to meet me. I would tell him there’s nothing special about me, why would they want to meet me so badly, what have you been telling them? And he was just so excited and happy to be with me! His love for me was just so obvious that he couldn’t hold back, he had to share with everyone how happy he was.

And I ruined that! My learned behavior from failed relationships caused so many misunderstandings. I kept trying to remind myself that he was different, he didn’t play the games some others had, that he wouldn’t do those things to me. But I would misread his body language or misinterpret something he did and take it personally. I would think that he was trying to tell me that he didn’t love me anymore, that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore, that we were done. And I caused him so much pain in my reactions because I couldn’t explain to him what I was feeling or thinking. And it confused him and it hurt him over and over and over again. And I can’t fix that. It hurts so much that I can’t fix that and we can’t go back to how we were. That I’ll never be able to see the lock he left in Cologne with our initials on it – so early in our relationship and yet he knew that he loved me. And I ruined it.

I wish there was something that I could do or say to take it all back or to make him understand that things would be different if we tried again. But I hurt him too much. He’s been burned enough times that he doesn’t want to risk it again. And I don’t blame him.

In the final days of our relationship we talked about the big things that weren’t compatible, didn’t mix, and I tried to make him understand that I’ve been thinking about these things and I’ve been thinking about what I could do differently, how I could change my thoughts on things to see it from his perspective. But it didn’t matter. It wouldn’t matter if I told him that I wanted 20 of his children or if I told him I would wait 10 years before we got married. It wouldn’t matter. Because I hurt him too much and he can’t get over that no matter what I say or how much I tell him I love him or tell him I’m sorry and beg for his forgiveness and beg him for one more chance. He won’t let me do that for him.

All of these beautiful and wonderful things in our relationship and I threw it all away. I destroyed it all.

And I’m so sorry.


One thought on “What I Destroyed

  1. Kendra

    So much love…so much love he felt for you, he should give you a second chance. Talk things over calmly, go to counseling maybe. If love is that great it should be given every opportunity.. I hope he can see that. HUGS


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